I, Me and Myself

2009-07-25T09:49:00.000-07:00

It takes you a meeting to miss someone so much you never you realized you could miss!!!

Chicken strips... hahaha!!!

To Radha and Danny :) :)

2009-06-15T08:27:00.000-07:00

"Sunday, June 18, 2006

...and wen i had every weird wish fulfiled and got everything i had wanted... someway or the other... suddenly i knew it was all coming to an end."

I felt tears sting my eyes. How could I have possibly got a GPA as low as I did when people less better than me did way better than my pathetic excuse of a result? I’ll never forget how I felt that day. What could I possibly write worth reading? Rejected, bitter, jealous of all who had done better than me. Sad, depressed, deflated, broken.

I stopped writing.

How could I have possibly got a GPA as high as I did? Topper?!!? How can I possibly summarise the journey from then to today in a single sentence, or a single post? How will anybody understand what this means to me? It is not about grades, it never was. Accepted. Elated, astonished.Grateful.Alive, mad happy, mended.

Tears sting my eyes. A full circle.

I start writing…

"Sunday, June 18, 2006

...and wen i had every weird wish fulfiled and got everything i had wanted... someway or the other... suddenly i knew it was all coming to an end."

Because she screwed up 4 credits!

2008-10-28T03:50:00.000-07:00

This is the story of Ms. Menon. She is a teacher. But she does not teach. She has a bunch of students. But because she does not teach, they do not learn anything. She used to ramble in class and the students ate biscuits, wrote poetry, carved graffiti on desks and dreamed of non-existent futures in Culture Studies. Thanks to her obviously. She foamed and the students were reminded of the sloppy consistency of the Upma served in the mess that morning. She rolled her eyes and the students thought they might eventually fall out of her sockets. Nothing materialized. She proclaimed love and suicide threats in the same breath. Again nothing materialized. Her tales of punctuality were made of legendary stuff. She was usually ten minutes early for next week's class. So the students waited and ate biscuits, wrote poetry, carved graffiti on desks and dreamed of non-existent futures in Culture Studies. Thanks to her obviously.

Anyway, one day as she was rambling, foaming and rolling her eyes, she began giggling. Now, rambling, foaming and rolling eyes the students could stand, but GIGGLING??!! That was the last straw for the students. Seeing an almost 100 kg woman giggle while she put them through 240 minutes (when she did turn up) of pure, undiluted and unadulterated torture every week was unacceptable.

So they all pounced on her. She foamed, rolled her eyes and even issued suicidal threats. But the students were used to all of that now. They remembered what a very wise professor had told them in an Indian Writing in English class: "If you want something, you have to do something about it. You have to take matters into your own hands." And so they did. They took the almost 100 kg matter into their hands and squeezed the living beejesus out of Ms. Menon. She poured out her usual red and black salwar kameez onto the floor creating quite a 'graffiti' in the classroom. After they realized they had taken enough matters into their hands, the students surveyed their class project. "Ah," said one. "Aha," said another. Ms. Menon had oozed out her extra matter and was a thin, attractive, SINGLE woman now. She ran out of class, got married, had four babies and never foamed, rolled her eyes, or giggled ever again.

As for the students? Well, after "ahaahing" enough, they got Mr HOD to teach them. Last heard, they have decided to take matters into their hands again.
~Fin~

2008-06-01T23:55:00.000-07:00

Her name is Fray. (Because she was listening to “The Fray” and was not in a creative mood). She is the most anti-social girl/woman (Fickle minded) that you will ever (Not) meet. She lives far far away. She used to be a simple girl. Simple enough to fall in love and never tell. Simple enough to dance and feel she conquered the world. Simple enough to stay awake the whole night and message and then think it is love. Simple enough to cry for every romantic movie on earth. Simple enough to be happy and high on wine.

She had friends. Oh, thousands of them. Each better than the other. They made her laugh and shared their impossible dreams with her. They taught her how to swim, how to write and how not to fall in love. They taught her how to drink and how not to burn her face. How not to cry when the boss screams or how to wear spaghetti tops or get a new haircut to catch the eye of a certain somebody. They spoke about their fears, they wept. They made her world worthwhile. She never told them.

Then one day she moved away. Far far away. And everybody did the same. They told her she could not write. (One step behind). They told her many things that she could not handle. The results made her hard work non existent. (One step behind). They told her to buck up, get a life and go do something else. (One step behind). She complained, oh, that was all she could do. Anybody called and she would switch on the sob story. Her blog spoke of nothing else!! (One step behind). The calls stopped. She stopped blogging because she was scared people would judge her. She doubted if she could ever write again.(One step behind). What happened to her next was out of the movies, just before the heroine hits the jackpot. She was alone, broke and just plain tired. (One step behind).

Then she came back, and saw her friends. The one that told her that photo she loved looked ridiculous, or the cute boy radar was not working anymore. She had missed her. (One step behind). The another one who made her laugh and she had called teddy bear. One whom she liked to call her sunshine. (One step behind). One who had all her secrets and another whose secrets she had. One with whom she had sung all the songs they loved. One who always bought her chocolates. Another she had grown up with. So, so,so, many. She was blessed. (One step behind). She was thrilled. She had stories to tell them. Of what she had seen, what she had done. Her old friends. Ah, this time she would tell them what they meant because she had finally discovered what being alone had felt like. Alone, lying on a cold steel bed, in an empty room, shut windows while trying to chase her fears because she had no choice. (One step behind).

But she had taken too many steps behind.

To the year of social isolation, complete broke-dom, the only time she cried in that year (once!) and a far far away place.

2008-01-18T00:05:00.000-08:00

The hardest thing to do in life is to sit back and fail. I mean, no matter how much people dissuade you from thinking yourself as a success, you would never sit back and fail. It is in human nature not to accept failure.

So when someone tells you don't know how to write, you get the lowest GPA in class confirming the previous point, people don't answer calls when you want to talk, you can't see a future no matter how far ahead, you realize everything you have been hoping would not happen has happened and life is screaming at you in your face that you are a failure, you get up, snub it across its face and BLOG!

:)

someday

2007-12-17T09:15:00.000-08:00

Biting cold wind blowing through the broken window panes. Socks, two pajamas, two sweaters, a scarf holding the stuffed cotton in the ears and a shawl to protect the bottom from the stone cold floor could not stop the goose bumps erupting in rhythmic continuity. The scene spelt an adventurous three am reading session. The lone tube light flickered as strange never-seen-before green bugs zoomed around the only soul in the stretch, bent over a book. You would mistake her for a nerd, a geek, which is what she planned to achieve with this stunt. But the tears that splashed on the pages made her write this post.

To play with words as to make them your own, to use them not to throw your world to the reader but pull them into your world. A world that taught you to dream. It was quite some time since she had read such a book. No, not read, but experienced.

She would love to write like that.

Someday.

No, that’s not what she really wanted. She looked at her hands and asked herself what she really wanted to do. Dance. And so she did. Up in front of the long mirror, she threw her hands up to an imaginary tune and did a full 360 degree turn. Her first heartfelt performance in two years. She forgot the cold, the bugs and the two pajamas. Long forgotten applause filled her ears. Three am was never this eventful. She wished she could do this her whole life. Dance. But she can’t.

So she forgot the night, the performance, the cold clamped her back to her warm seat. She came back and wrote this post realizing many would call it pretentious. None would understand the beauty of dancing to nothing but the stars in the sky.

Someday.

kolors

2007-09-24T22:21:00.001-07:00

The green Misbah-ul-Haq was the most powerful man in the world as he paced ahead and knelt to take on India's blue Joginder who-is-he Sharma. He held with him the blink of every eye, contraction of every heart, pace of every breath, sincerity of every prayer, faith of every hope and the fate of every colour that would erupt. Millions, including the still kneeling Misbah, watched the ball soar. A deliciously painful white elongation of Judgment amidst the recently dark sky. Sreeshant redeemed himself and the blur in blue got noisy and loud and red. Colours erupted over the stadium- green, saffron, white, blue- fireworks in the sky. Too much noise. Brown girls were screaming in the background, standing over grey chairs, I was jumping about myself. The whites looked amused. Pure pale-yellow joy, pure because it was momentary never to last. I screamed like no tomorrow and I do not know why. Seeing the blue run into a huddle brought back to memory bright hues of huddled orange, lost somewhere. We had won Darpan. There is nothing more spectacular than bright-yellow laughter. "We are many colors. We are one dream,' announced Martin Luther Jr. in this already recalcitrant and wild flashes of hued thought."You mean--like plain or milk chocolate?" voiced Soyinka. Loud, noisy and more fireworks in my head, 'GO DRISTIKONE,' I screamed!!

It had been a whole five seconds since India had won, since Sreeshanth had answered half the prayers that evening. The other half silently crushed the erstwhile most powerful Misbah-ul-Haq, who remained the kneeling green amidst the brilliant blue of victory and I retreated into the black night lit by a lone silver moon to write an assignment on racism.

2007-08-29T07:13:00.000-07:00

I lost Something yesterday,
An aftermath to an intense dream
That a creaky bed purged me from
Not wondering if I did want to be saved.
The Loss burnt a hole through my head
unlike the usual emotional drill at my heart.
It could have bored me with my incessant tears,
But It did not.
It made me sit up in the middle of the night
along with crickets that wondered if I'd swat them away
As I admired the wonderous beauty of losing Something
Never to be regained.
I was suprised at being able to think
when I should be bawling. Really.
I smiled when I realized why I did not cry.
Here was I, sitting on a creaky bed- along with the crickets,
at midnight, staring at a drab moon and not crying, a half- smile
(almost looking like a Bedlam inmate with the dishevelled hair thrown in)
Thinking.
Calculating the exact moment( approximately five months ago)
When I walked away from what today I lost.

Dedicated to a dear dear friend,nomore

2007-08-21T20:24:00.000-07:00

Nobody likes to feel dumb. Especially at an age when you think you know enough, at least the basic survival. I have an English Professor who seems to think otherwise. His method of motivating us is by constantly reminding us how DUMB and UNINTELLIGENT we are.

His energy is contagious. His sarcasm is missed by many which makes it all the more impressive(either they make you laugh for days or insulted for life!) . His accent is corny, mix of British and American with extremely subtle hints of Mallu! He speaks about memento mori, thinkers, philosophers, Newton, alchemists, Da Vinci, Bacon and their greatness. He throws in an anecdote about how some embezzled money and one of these great inventors tried the first step at refrigeration by stuffing ice cubes down a dead chicken's throat and then died of pneumonia himself!

He speaks about great inventions. How the invention of the mechanical clock made it possible for the human race to "see" time and count their mortality. He speaks about grand paintings, the origin of museums, Shakespeare and King James I. About exotic plants and the etymology of many of the daily words we use. About etching words on a page that in turn etch characters. He makes us write essays on the "Second Test Match of India vs England" and asks us about the latest Artic escapades. He also admits how he slept in class during his M.A in this same University and how demons exist-" How else would you explain English Professors?" he reasones.

In short, he is equivalent to one 'hell' of a teacher, and I am sure if he ever were to read this line he would appriciate my word play, something he can't get enough of!

He gets us alive and intrested. A PhD. in English after switching sides from BSc and Visting Fellow at the Cambridge University who is around 30+ (every other professor is 45+!), the man walked out of class last morning. He usually throws a volley of questions at us, the more arbid the more pleasure he takes of the fact that we don't know it. Example- ' What happened in 1666?' 'The great fire,' comes the reply. 'Apart from that?' he resumes. People get a little worried. He walked out of the class after we refused to acknowledge that we did in fact know when India started its official census records and that the Civil war fought by Oliver Cromwell was in the 17th century. His intimidating look and persona apparently had the same affect on everybody in class- 'Ignorance would save us from the attempted answer and rejection.' And he saw this. I think he was upset. All he was just trying to do was motive us to read more, to know more and we were refusing to move from our sub standard ways of jotting down the minutes of the lecture note rather than thinking for our selves. It was just like that inventor who was trying to stuff down ice cubes down a chicken's throat to "discover" refrigeration. He is probably wondering whether the risk of teaching us to "think different" is worth dying of pneumonia.

Aye!

2007-08-16T04:55:00.000-07:00

Date: 16.08.07

Subject: Help!

Hi,

I am Sangia. Tea shop owner in the HCU campus. The University office has asked me to close down my tea stall and vacate the place with immediate effect( i.e 16.08.07). I request the Student's Union to help me and plead to all the M.A, M Phil and PhD. students to stop this from happening.

Thank you

Yours' Sincerely.

And yet at 11 15 am on 16th of August 2007, as I crossed the muddy tracks from the library to my hostel room, I could hear loud voices. Few paces closer showed a sole man screaming at the sight of his livelihood being ripped from the roots. Literally. The man-made stone tables and temporary shacks that refused to reflect the callowness of a young entrepreneur were now biting the dust. No Student Union came. He cried and begged the burly police man who took him away in a Government owned jeep. "It's my life, my livelihood," he screamed. "You can't take this away from me..."

His voice trailed on as a frail woman in her sixties came defending her son. She did not have to say a thing, she probably could not. She fist-ed with the burly man to let go her son, to let them have their right to own a shop, their right to a livelihood. I do not know what laws they broke or who they caused harm. The spectacle got monotonous and my eyes rifted from the sight...

The tea stall died the day after the India celebrated 60 years of Independence. Along with it, a man's will to survive.

2007-07-31T21:02:00.000-07:00

***
The day began as just anyother. With a sense of enthusiasm woven through fulfilment. The overwhelming feeling translated into loud gestures of joy and smiles through the passing hours. No complictaions delivered by Canto V of Pope's masterpiece could make the day any less beautiful. Having a mission seems to oblivate the irritation spawning from fruit flies that refused to budge from the corners of my eye. It was a peace much wished for, much sought after, much appreciated.
***

***

2007-06-10T11:21:00.000-07:00

I reach home. Permutation combination in a entrance exam was unexpected. The paper killed all hopes. Get home and mum tells me I should join another course. MBA. My married cousin with a kid was doing it. Cried. I was unable to do the only thing I am good at. Or thought was good at. My dream was lost and the heart felt heavy. More than anything my pride was stinging me. I had lost again and I cried, again.
***
Stare into the signal. The traffic signal. The red is actually a cluster of small red dots arranged in a particular centric fashion. Stare hard enough and you can make flower petal patterns within the space. Stare harder and you eyes hurt with the sudden change in colour to green and you are forced to look away.
***
Two years later, yet the feeling is familiar. The eyes rove about the room settling nowhere. The heart beat is gaining momentum and the anticipation is palpable. The eyes finally has found its mark with a wave of hand and a smile. I hold my breathe, look nonchalant and try not to make it too obvious by looking elsewhere before brushing my hand through air in acknowledgment. Play it cool is the keyword. (FYI: been doing that for two years now, so you now know how cool!)
Walk up to him and smile, try to acknowledge the others present by pretending to be interested in what they were doing with their lives! Who was I kidding?!
Few pleasantries later, my attention is undivided. Something I fail to realize for a very long time because I am rambling. I have not rambled so much in such a long time. About everything under the sun. The comfort is addictive and I realized how much I love to talk. Something I had forgotten in the near past! Despite thousands of strangers around us, me holding a half eaten pan and him holding on to his soup, it was never perfecter(sic).
Suddenly I realize there was nobody around us. Everybody got the hint and left us both alone. My face turns red and I try to play it cool. Ahem. He smiles and suddenly I don't have to.
***
Danny thinks all the blogs speak a single language of depression. The bubbly and enthusiastic bunch of graduates seem to be smiling only in the group photo taken on the last day of college on the lawn they loved to pick and destroy! The vermilion smeared on their forehead contrasted with their black outfits and white pearly sets. They were in mourning but showed no signs of it. They were living the moment of being together, of knowing each other. As if almost they all knew, tomorrow, they would go away, far away. Since when did we stop living in the moment?
***
Little miss sunshine. The best movie I have seen in a very long time. The boy wants to become a pilot, he is on a silent oath only to realize he is colour blind. He can't become a pilot. He swears at his family. His "lessons on how not to be a loser" providing dad who is trying to hide his failures, his seven or eight year old sister who is fat, wears glasses and thinks she can win the Little Miss Sunshine beauty pageant, his heroin addict grandpa, his suicidal uncle who is in love with his student at college and a mother who is making through this family. He calls them for what he sees them as. They guide him back to a car that is on the move continuously as it won't start once stopped. They are family.

***
A visit to the planetarium after 17 years! Very very long time indeed. The sky was picture perfect. The million stars as beautiful as ever. The Hubble space telescope that takes pictures in space and transmits them back to the earth showed millions of galaxies. After a decade, the scientists deiced to focus on a blank patch of the space, just to see what blank meant in space. A ten day long exposure sent back pictures of millions and millions of galaxies huddled in that 'blank space', unnoticed all these years by the astronomers. They were in vivid colours, brighter than many stars, created in the most imaginative shapes. They opened your eyes to how limitless the universe was. All thanks to the extended exposure of the shutter at Hubble.
***

moi

2007-05-29T12:34:00.001-07:00

The Black Donnellys. My first assignment at work. A story about four Irish brothers who come to NewYork and try to be the good mobsters but end up in one mess after the other. A very well made series. It just sucked that I took eight bloody hours to spot just 43 minutes in the coldest room of the office on the hottest summer day in the city. Welcome to another typical First Day At Work!

After a back breaking eight hour long session on one chair and inabilty to reply to messages due to low currency I step out into the dark only to have fat droplets sting me. Brilliant. More mockery at my state.

A few steps ahead and I realize I have worn my favourite slippers ensuring every drop of muck is sprayed right back on my clothes. Furthermore, there are no autos to my resuce. Why would there be any!?One demanded Rs 80 while another demanded Rs. 60.

I walk all the way to Bangalore Central Mall in the hope of some respite from the rain. Common sense would ask me to wait in shelter till the rain wards off and then proceed looking for transportation home, but then why would I heed to common sense?

I stood in the rain, my nice stole bearing all the brunt. My new straightned and set hair getting all sticky and my new "all-open" bag, collecting the water! argghhhh! And to top it all, I don't have the money to pay these overbearing rick gods who are hustlers disgusied as saviours from the rain!Thirty minutes later the situation is no better after being refused by over 20 auto guys! The frusturation has reached its zennith! I take a deep breath and look around.

It's raining. Not the downpour, but a constatnt drizzle. It looks very pretty, illuminating all the street lights in its soft spray on the crowd rushing home. Suddenly I can't remember why I want to go home this early anyway. It's strange how I can change my mood to suit my needs. I smile and pull out my mp3 player. 'Smells like Teen Spirit' sounds a whole load different against cold puddles on your path. I sing along en route.... God alone knows where.

I stopped by Nilgiris on Brigade road. It always shuts at eight, suddenly the rules had changed to accomodate an additional hour. I smiled more and walked in and went to my favourite candy section. My grin broadened as I found packs and packs of packaged cotton candy in a super market for the first time in my life! Unable to contain my glee and luck, I picked one and ran out.

So there I was, nine pm on a Friday night. Strolling down an almost desterted Brigade road, hair, bag, clothes- all taking in the rain , munching away on cotton candy and listening to music while people fighting for shelter gave me positivley quizzical looks. And it did not help that my shirt said "Sarcasm is one of the services I offer!"

Happy Third Birthday "beingmoi".
for letting moi, be moi! :)
21 May 2007

2007-05-17T11:24:00.000-07:00

There are some songs in the world that you connect with, instantly. From the first note you are hooked. Three lines later, you are busy googling the lyrics. You find them and play the song the second time. This time the words are in front of you. You read and understand them. The third time you have stopped listening and started heeding to the warm feeling just below your heart that is clamoring for attention. You give in and feel. How every word makes so much sense. Almost like that the entire world conspired so that you could call that your song. The fourth time you are crying, uncontrollably, wishing that you didn’t have to relate this much to the song. You are thinking things you wished you didn’t have to think about. You stop the music, but it is too late. The words are embedded in your mind. You wake up next morning humming the tune unconsciously, smile and move on.

Few years later you hear the same song. You fail to recognize it at its first note. The mind has found newer tunes, etched newer connections. But the heart remembers. You smile and move on…humming the tune unconsciously.

2007-05-09T08:14:00.000-07:00

My eyes are dying to close,
As I die trying to keep them open.
Sleep tries to overtake me, I try to fight.
The heart is crumbling- each piece falling apart painfully;
I resist, trying to keep them glued with a sane mind.
Memories haunt, images flash, a cringe for the past;
I try and speed through them, avoiding its steady glare.
I ask a thousand questions, knowing each answer;
One a bitter truth after the other.
Yet I don't stop.
The wind ruffles the chime, each note lonesome of the other.
The routine repeats.
My eyes close, sleep has vanished.
A silent tear makes its ways through the dark;
Flows through the corner of an eye,slanting, into my mouth.
The salty taste is all the respite I can expect.
A defeated smile, I give up.
The heart can no longer hold.
The crumbling wakes me up from inside.

Saying tata is tough

2007-05-01T11:21:00.000-07:00

I decided to clean out my desk one day before I left my office. It took me three bags to pile up all my stuff. Eight files, millions of press releases, three nice untouched books, ten pens from conferences, photographs, my note books, a calender from the previous year, my contact cards, my mp3 player, a couple of good magazines, my CIEFL prospectus. I was surprised at the amount of stuff I had stashed away here. On my (french)window I found twenty post-its. Many holding phone numbers and some that reminded me I had four stories pending and owed someone at work about 100 bucks. Like it was going to matter anyway! I slowly slipped them away, could not throw them. Nobody was at work that day. Nobody. Nobody was even aware I was leaving the next day. I am used to being alone, a lot. I used to feel very alone when people at my work used to leave. After two good friends left work the same week, my editor called me outside and asked me if I was okay. I brushed him aside. Of course I was okay! I am here to work, I am professional enough. That was seven months ago, eleven people left after that. Thirteen for the nine months I was there. One after the other. A new person would come, sit next to me. It would take about ten days to break the ice and to teach them how the "office" worked. By the time you are expecting to go out for lunch with them the next day, they are gone that evening.

I needed more than a confidence boost to stick around and thanks to Godspeeder, I found some. I wondered how he manages. He has been there for three years- seen about close to thirty or forty people come and leave. Like a railway platform. He says he's not emotional and that keeps him at the job. A kind of professionalism, I suppose. I could never be professional enough. I could not help but get attached to these few people left with whom I spent twelve hours of my life everyday, even if it was only for a few months. I was in love with my space, my chair, my headphones and my view. That was all I needed.

The next day I would come to work, sit at my desk. Look around at the deserted venue, put on my headphones and get to work. Professional. Then new people joined and new people left, leaving behind a new contact on my msn messenger...

***
I cleaned my desktop and kissed my slow but loyal comp of nine months goodbye. I left the blinds open. They were not there when I joined and my view was awesome. It overlooked a bachelor's pad and unfortunatley or fortunately nobody came out! I hung a bookmark for Gsp and laughed at that "smart" calender he had on his desk- a proverb everyday. I picked up three very very heavy bags and headed down. They had shut the elevator. With summer on and no rains, they were probably trying to save electricity. I walked down the stairs, 67 of them littered with cigarette buds, thanks to our office boys! It is strange when you know you are seeing things for the last time. You notice all the details.There was no farewell party, no goodbyes and good luck in whatever you do. I stepped out of the office and looked up. Said a small bye, I can get very emotional while leaving things or places. The fabmall, the pizza hut and the kitchen beyond that served the oiliest yet best aloo paranthas in the world. I looked left and it showed my ex-company's name on the big bright board. Suddenly, drops of water fell on my unsuspecting forehead. I squealed in glee as it changed tempo and became more fierce. I ran in and dumped my stuff and made an entry to what I would define as the best rainfall in many many years. The wind howled, the trees shook, the power went, my head hurt as the drops started getting very strong. People started gathering at the entrance of my office to take refuge from this downpour while I let it soak me, drench me, cleanse me. There was never a better first summer rain and there was no better goodbye.

Seen in pic: my desk and my view and my foul weather friends at work!

what i leave behind

2007-04-29T10:23:00.000-07:00

i stand alone

2007-04-06T11:06:00.000-07:00

I am a tech journalist. In ten days I ll cease to be that. I don't know if I will ever venture into that part of the field again. The first day at work, I walked in not knowing what to expect. I am not a person who takes risks, ask my friends, they'll bear witness. I even think twice before saying every single word!! But somehow after college, I wanted to take a risk.

During one of my interviews, I met this lady from IBM. She hated technology. She wanted to be a banker. However she wanted to know why she hated technology and she took it up. That was her sole motivation. Today she leads the India Software Labs for IBM. It is a very romantic concept, but so true. Talking to her, I saw myself. The only reason I took up a job in a tech magazine was because I hate technology and business. I don't understand it ergo I hate it. When all my friends where making their ways to fields they thought were their forte, I was picking up a domain that NOBODY thought I had any idea in. They were right, it was a shot in the dark- a blind man's shot in the dark! I had no clue what I was doing or getting into. In the first two months there, I could not stop having a nervous breakdown. It was a stupid decision to hunt out challenges and take risks. What was I thinking?! Seven months down the line- in retrospect I can call it by far the second best decision in my life. I went against the tide, did not listen to anybody and earned a new pride in me.

Last week I quit my job. The very job that made me find pride. In a fit of rage that was inspired by months of stacked emotions, i said 'I QUIT' and very dramatically too. At that point, I had had enough, or so I thought. I had given up my dance, my friends, my sleep, everything i wanted to do, so that I did not look like a fool at this job. It was not necessary. Nobody was asking me to burn the midnight oil, (unless in few cases) and nobody was asking me to put in 11 hours at work. I mean, I know people who work for 48 hours straight and they are juniors in the company too. But I did not mind it untill somebody's incessant nagging about me being lazy and not finishing work eventually got to me. Was it worth it? I did not think so.

Today I am a quitter. I quit the job saying it was not my forte. Justification and rationalization. I might have made the biggest blunder in my life. Even as high-fi s and congratulatory messages made their way at my bold step, I knew I was alone. Everybody thinks I was too impulsive. I stand alone with my choice. Just like how i did when I joined the job. My second risk. My second shot in the dark. I am waiting for retrospect.

tastes like bitter

2007-04-02T09:30:00.000-07:00

its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...

BULLSHIT!

You've got to find what you love

2007-03-10T22:44:00.000-08:00

This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

blue rocksters

2007-03-07T10:55:00.000-08:00

Everybody thinks I should get rid of blue my rocksters. They are these light weight slippers that are too comfortable for words! I got my first pair for my 20th birthday. They were these electric blue ones and I was wondering how to keep a straight face and not hurt my friend's feelings. But then, I am not too worried about what I wear, so I just slipped them on. The feeling was amazing. Like you are walking barefeet, yet on something soft and sturdy. Ever since, the scandalous looking slippers were part of my life. First mocked at, then part of my everyday idenity. Moi and her blue rocksters! It soon became part of everyone around me. It was the obvious alternative for bathroom slippers (not the team! rocksters are better anyday! :P) all the time in Pune or during dance practise. It became my mum's extra wear when she went out to throw the trash. Even my dad used it once!!!!!

It went all over the country with me. High-fi TAJ at Bombay, Chill roads of Pune, Sandy beaches of Pondy, Pebbles and countryside of Kerala, Long streches of tar in Chennai, and even the rocky landscape of Kudremuk hills! I wore it for interviews, outings, exams, competitions and much to the dismay of my parents, weddings. I mean, it went with everything {or so i thought}. And since 90 percent of my clothes are blue, why did I have to look elsewhere.

It was like the only slipper I ever wore and needless to say, wore out sooner than expected. The colour faded and some sharp stone went through the sole and made huge dent right through it! Soon my friends started looking down on it. My dad was so upset' he gave me money and ordered me to buy new slippers before I did anything else. "The rest of the world will think you dont have money for good slippers," were his exact words. Even my editor stopped sending me to press confrences in high-fi hotels because of my 'chappals'! People I knew for a day were asking me to change my slippers!! Sadly, I had to give in to pressure.

Today, my rocksters sit silently on the shoe rack. Torn beyond recognition, faded to the faintest blue, bent all the way up due to constant use, I would not let my mum throw it away. And as it gives me inscrutable looks, my face breaks into a big grin.

Can you imgine moi without her blue rocksters!

You won’t need fuel anymore!

2007-02-20T22:46:00.000-08:00

Since one fails often, address markets that make it worthwhile when one does succeed," announced Vinod Khosla to a rapt audience of over 500 including Venture Capitalists, IT heads and aspiring entrepreneurs. Speaking at The Indus Entrepreneurs (TiE) Bangalore Chapter, he was hinting his interests towards the latest vogue to have hit VC world: Alternative Energy. The co-founder of Sun Microsystems and founder of Khosla Ventures chose to focus on Solar Thermal Power as his point of discussion and its rising impact in day to day life. What would have otherwise been viewed with skepticism enamored the audience with its VC and entrepreneurial insights.

Of late, investors have heightened their senses towards alternative energy start-ups and invested billions of dollars in areas like wind, solar power and bio-fuels. According to the National Venture Capital Association, VCs invested a total of $727 million into 39 alternative energy start-ups in 2006 compared with $195 million in 18 such firms for 2005. With the world’s rising dependence on fuel, it came as no surprise that more than a third of this funding went to technologies pertaining to the production of ethanol- an alternative to gasoline.

Khosla, one of the first supporters of ethanol-based ventures, was back propagating the bio-fuel as solution to the world’s oil addiction. Citing Brazil as an example, Khosla added that the production of fuel for cars from feedstock and crop waste would also serve as an answer to rising concern over global warming. Brazil was among the first countries to advocate ethanol as an alternative in to fuel in cars. However, despite the lower price, people were hesitant to use ethanol, as its availability would be subjective to the place. The idea underwent a makeover when in 2003 Volkswagen introduced a hybrid car that would run on gasoline as well as ethanol. In the next three years, 80 percent of the cars were running on ethanol.

What Volkswagen did was, work on an available option and make it plausible for the end user, something, Khosla believes, every new venture should aim for. Today Brazil consumes more than 16 billion liters of ethanol annually catering to 41 percent of total demand for transport fuel and 4.5 million such cars are already on the road in the United States today.

In the past, ethanol was made from corn, which wasn’t viable for the environment, but now bioengineering has discovered methods to create ethanol from agricultural waste and bamboo plants. India being the world’s second largest producer of bamboo, after China, can adopt the practice to their benefit and address poverty as a nation and increase framer’s contribution into the final GDP growth of India (a mere five percent of India’s total population contribute significantly to the GDP growth today). Presently 16-megawatt power plants are being planned in Assam that would be amongst the first to utilize bamboo for fuel and the State is banking to be self sufficient for energy within 10 years.

Further, Khosla went on to address solar and wind power- how a few million mirrors could actually light up the world. To put things into perspective, a recent study by two German scientists, Dr Gerhard Knies and Dr Franz Trieb, calculated that covering just 0.5 percent of the world's hot deserts with a technology called concentrated solar power (CSP) would provide the world's entire electricity needs. Khosla mentioned certain solar power generating plants that were abandoned after the oil prices came down that at present needed investments to be re-ignited.

When questioned why the world was not looking into nuclear power as an alternative to energy, Khosla simply said: “it’s too expensive and time consuming”. Known for funding with small investments, Khosla stated that the lesser the investment, more room for experiments and mistakes and more innovation.

True to his style, Khosla answered ever question posed by the audience who were thinking furiously by the end of the stimulating presentation. Be it from ‘how to solve India’s poverty,’ to ‘micro finance in India’ to ‘how do I teach my children to innovate’, the last one eliciting the most though provoking answer. “Never say ‘no’ to anybody who wants to try something new. Even if it means they are going to fail. If you have not failed enough then you are not trying to innovate.”

The serial VC credited for identifying evolving markets, left Kleiner, Perkins, Caufield & Byers and founded Khosla Ventures to invest in the ethanol market. Khosla Ventures has invested in a few ethanol-based companies including Mascoma that is doing R&D on ethanol production and a more recent $225 million funding to build an ethanol plant in Treutlon Country--the first commercial cellulosic factory in the United States.

2007-02-15T09:37:00.000-08:00

i wished upon a star not too long ago,
as it streaked across the sky
i wished upon a star just for you
never questioning why

i wished upon a star not too long ago,
the only firework amidst the dark dark night
i wished upon a star for me
i wished and prayed everything would be alright

today i look to see the star again
making its lone journey through the sky
nothing came true, my wishes all gone
strangely, my face breaks into a smile...

one fresh strawberry with ice cream and cream please

2006-12-25T07:47:00.000-08:00

fresh strawberries n ice cream at the edge! what happiness only to be filled in with millions and millions of memories of the past. surrounded by all friends, i had this feeling something was amiss. took one spoonful of the baby pink cream.. ah, who said things will remain the same? not me!
time to move on :)

my 24 children

2006-12-06T07:18:00.000-08:00

24 kids .. all ten years old.. possibly younger... running around, dont get what horizontal and vertical line mean... dont get a circle, dont get standing in a straight line. they figet and figet and talk and chat and when the time comes to dance... they DONT!

many have never danced in their life, not that they have had a very long one till now! others dance too well for their age and the teachers make sure that they are not put to much in the light or appreciated because it would increase their "head weight"!!

stuck in between is the new dance teacher 'akka'.. who had no clue what she was getting into when she agreed to do someone a favor and train these brats!... well.. at least she could go to heaven.

they look up to you.. for one they are shorter, but then they have never had 'akka' teach them dance, that too to a song that makes absolutely no sense to them.. little do they know that the konkani song could have the most expletive words and akka would never understand.. she is just praying that either the song is clean or none of the children's parents pay too close attention to the lyrics and too absorbed watching their little angels dance.

you can never yell at them... well, for one, they dont get it and second, you dont want them to start crying.. i mean, if akka really wanted to go to hell... she could of thought of many other things to do.... mmm.. MANY!

they never listen, always on their own trip.. thank god for that or they would learnt a lot of new "words" from their not so discreet akka.. who incidentally had been re-christened "miss" and was very inspired by the dialogues of the movie The Departed!

they dont get what a twist is, they dont get what eight counts mean. they dont look at each other for coordination and even if they are doing the right thing, they choose to follow who ever is dong wrong!!they dont smile.. they are too nervous that the new miss will start screaming.

they laugh at miss when she messes up her left and right side..( i cant help being dyslexic sometimes) and they will not appreciate it when she tells they have messed up their left and right sides!

they always want a break, a water break, a loo break, a tiffin break... the girls immediately huddle up and start whispering into each others ears, the boys.. who had the saddest faces after so much parctise that would make your heart bleed... would be running around like they have just woken up fresh and ready.

teach them a step and then all want to show off that they know it best... so 24 kids screaming "miss, look at me, no miss look at me, i ll do it right!"....except they dont. and it doesn help when akka has this perpetual habit of rolling her eyes and being very candid of her judgements through expression.... they kids are left lost and hurt... and you wish you were frying in hell!.. almost there anyway...

and when kids want your attention, they will make sure they get, even if it means mauling you or physically pulling you to their side .. i mean what could a lone akka.. who dint look too healthy anyway... do to a bunch of demanding and overpowering kids.... they were right! Nothing!

you will scream, scream and scream even more just to get them to listen.... and then you think... my god, i m never having kids.

a tired day, they have done their dance and you pack your bag to leave. you sit on the stone step to catch your breath. a lonely school, you have never been to, you look around and nostalgically think about your days as a kid....

just as your creeping away into dream world the brats are back...

one resigned sigh and you look at them... only to receive 24 of them screaming .. "thank you miss" in their strained yet happy voices...

ah, well... 24 kids.. :)....at least i m going to heaven!

the tech lady speaks...

2006-11-27T00:15:00.000-08:00

Past few months I have been “showing off” with my new earned techie talents. I mean, not to long ago, I used mess up trying to switch of the computer and end up re-starting it!! Good friends have had many a laugh and good times at my technically challenged behavior. But not ANYMORE!. Yes times have changed and so have I. Meet the new tech queen in office, who does all the techie inside stuff for her colleagues!

From finding the non-existent BCC option in Microsoft outlook to discovering creative body copies while sending mails, being a fast learner of the “intranet”, teaching a colleague how to work on an excel sheet (yes bhat, I finally mastered it!), mastered the Sony digital voice editor, at least jus about enough to do my work and shine among the others how dint know yet! fixing many tech problems on comp,. most done by sheer luck !! and finding that font windings+ Alt+074 = :) (FINALLY!!!!!)
The cheap thrills included fixing the speakers in the right “green” output !!, teaching everybody in my office, (even boss) how to change his or her display name to some stupid emotion icon on messenger!!…. (told you it was cheap thrills).

know all this stuff is too simple and everybody would know it, but I m not everybody and for a tech challenged journalist who ironically is writing for a tech magazine (talk about IRONY!!) This stuff is just awesome. I was so proud of my own accomplishments! And learnt all by myself!! Yay!!!

For the girl who has been laughed at, jeered and called names for her “lack” of technical common sense, this was the moment of victory. She had come of age, the ugly duckling into the white beautiful swan, well, not quite, but you get the picture… and the day I was going to brag of these proclamations, I discovered that my Num Lock aint lit up.

For the old moi, the tech challenged girl, it would be a run to the engineers and complain like a sissy bout how the comp was messed up and this was not working. But for the new me, it was an adventure. I set out to see what the problem was. After going through the settings of the comp, fixing the keyboard wire, looking for everything possible, I gave up.

At least I had tried my best. I went in a huff to the technical team, trying to complain to them about how I tired everything and yet nothing worked out. The tech lead did not understand! How convenient I said to myself, thinking what a duffer of a tech lead they had.

I had to sit him down and tell him “ look, my num lock is not working, I think there is a problem with my system or key board”.

“What do you mean by your num-lock is not working?” he asked.

aiyo, ende devaame!!, this man is mad and I thought….tech-stupid!…

“look suresh,” I explained to him in childlike manner. “See this light on the keyboard that says num-lock, well it is not lit up on my key board, could you please come and fix it.”

he looked at me thoughtfully, like I was giving him the most unclear picture of what I was trying to say. “How dumb can a person get,” I asked my self!

“You mean its not working despite pressing the num-lock key?” he asked me.

“ oh,.. OHH… I have to hit the key for it to lite up?” shessshhh I cant believe I asked that question!

Well, how dumb can a person get?.. yup, I answered that question.

Well, so much for my short-lived techie build up. To all, (especially my good friends at world space and my tech guru who were mislead by the beginning)… I m still the tech- challenged journalist working for a tech magazine!

Sigh, some things never change :)

3 rd Nov 2006

2006-11-20T12:37:00.000-08:00

I rushed in not knowing what to expect. I was very late. I was supposed to have reached there at least an hour earlier. She had warned me of this, but nevertheless this was no time to be angry. The big bunches of friends were all dressed up in traditional sarees and jumkhas. The same bunch that had sat in one classroom and discussed who would get married first. I was put in first, well because I was so ‘against’ it!!

There was a crowd and a huge one. But the number of familiar faces jus grew as I got closer to where she was sitting. I could not wait to see her. The old faces kept forming some kind of wall… and it was taking me forever to get there. But in my heart I knew I dint want to see her, I was stalling, I mean, she was no longer her, but someone else and in some weird way belonged to someone else.

But I could stall no further, as I smiled at the familiar faces I was seeing after so long, I spotted her in a corner. The middle of the stage would have a more appropriate word, but for me, it was a corner where you could see nothing but the one angle that it presented.

There she sat in an off white saree. She could not have looked more beautiful. As I approached her, I got nervous. I expected her to be the bashful bride! But there she was, opening her big eyes and grinning away. As she saw me, she almost waved her hands to say hi, while the rest of the relatives tried to remind her that she had to keep holding her husband’s hand till the end of the ceremony!

Her usual sheepish grin with her tongue out, and then suddenly she realized that the camera was pointed at her and she tried to be as demure and poised as possible. I have no idea how long I sat there watching her, laugh and talk and act as if everything was normal. It must have been hours…

Finally the time came to go home. Just one last goodbye, I promised a friend and ran towards her. She was busy posing with her family for a big portrait pic. It reminded me of my parent’s wedding where I used to look at the black and white pictures and try to figure out what ever happened to those people…big, small, old, babies… and suddenly this was her picture. … My friend, the bride.

A last wave and I bid goodbye, with a feeling in my heart that things would never be the same again. I looked at my other friend like I had never looked before, my worst fears had come alive…and just like that, I was grown up.

dedicated to 01P1098 :)

yours lovingly
01P1102

2006-11-20T11:24:00.000-08:00

the one thing that would keep you sane
the very thing driving you mad
without whom you cant live
and with whom you would die
reason for the smile and
reason for the love
and reason for this all hate today
the weakness of my heart
kryptonite

Evanescence-My Immortal Video Clip

2006-11-08T04:05:00.000-08:00


my immortal

2006-10-09T11:05:00.000-07:00

1996, Sports day, My biggest moment in life, Relay finals, sub-junior level ( yup, i was always shorter than normal)

i was the last girl on the team. the one responsible for getting the baton past the finish line and win the race for Elemes House. It could not get bigger than this. as i warmed up before the 1000 odd people cheering and screaming, i mentally made a worse case scenario plan... something i do till date.
barton house had the fastest runners. the first, and the fourth runners were really fast. there was no way i could beat Sudipta. she s just too fast. but i could try.
maiden house came in next, hmmm, they could be a little trouble. but only the last runner was fast, prathima shetty...but i could beat her if i got a small lead at least, after all, my team had the best first runner. if she got her game right, then everything would go according to plan... and nothing could stop us from getting the gold.
the pistol went off and the race began... mythri, my house first lead was awesome. for the four feet she was, she just scampered right through... the cheering got louder than anything i had ever heard. i tried to keep my cool and screamed and jumped for the second girl to run a little faster... amdist the blur of all the colours and students jumping up and down, i could see she was failing... i cursed...( the nice way, yet unware of the potential stock of words available for such moments)...
she got to the third girl who stumbled and fumbled for the baton... "arrggghhhhh" this could not be happening, not after i worked so hard for this. shit, damn, crap
she caught up, and i could see her making a desperate rush towards me. i stood at the recievers end, as sudipta and prathima already started their last lap....
"come on sai" i prayed " a little faster"
as the baton came near me, wrapped in gold to signfy the Elemes house yellow... i heard my house scream out my name... loud and clear... "go.. run... " they screamed in unison....
as i held the baton, i knew that i had to win the race for my team. i had to win this, this was for the team , i took the responsibility and i could not give up till the last second.
run..run..run.... faster... was all i could hear
i reached the curve of the filed, my weak point, i always slipped or slowed down. i could not afford to this time. somehow i streaked past it, the others had reached in front, through all the din i realized that barton house had come first, sudipta had won again, prathima was just 5 meters away from the finish line. the race was over, but i could not give up, that was against my principles ( your never too young to have principles). only losers give up.... which meant i had to settle for third place.
ok, third place it is then....
just 20 meters away from the finish line, as my team stood in the side tracks and cheered me on, a rush of blue passed by.
"shit!" deepika babu from foley house. how could i forget her. she was by far the fastest runner in the enitire sub junior divison. where the @#$% did she appear from ?
as we went head on head to cross the white line, i ran.
i concentrated, i focused, i put my entire soul and engery into that one moment of crosssing the line and then i shut my eyes and prayed.
when i opened them...i had lost. she overtook me in an uncannily familiar filmi way... "fraction of a second " the teacher said.
how conveninent!

i walked away disappointed. apologised to my team. my sister came running. "you won, you won"
...... " no chech, i did not. i missed the mark by less than a second"
" ..but from there it looked like you had crossed the line before her and won"
" nope, i didn't"
...

its ten years since the day i lost my first race. long time to get over something as trivial as sports day... but today, as i sit alone at my comp, past midnight. i feel exactly like the 11 year old girl - fighting a lossing battle with the belief that she will win in the end....

sigh...

i talk a whole load of crap!

crap n stuff

2006-10-06T06:21:00.000-07:00

sometimes wen you feel bad, there is nothing you can do about it. some stupid feeling inside your head and mind that you are not able to pluck out.
you cant point it out, you cant prick it out and there is pretty much nothing you can do about it.

and then you spend all your time thinking " this is so silly, i neednt feel bad bout it"
but it still gwans on your thoughts like an irritaing rat whoes presence cant be ignored.

hmmm, maybe i cant handle the truth.

what a waste of time and online space!

cry baby!!

2006-08-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

i hate it when i cry, it s like a disease. i just cant stop those stupid tears that refuse to listen to my command and continue to pour out... at all the worst moments possible.

when your really really hurt and you want to make a person feel real bad then... NOOOOO.. then tears decide to take a break... the pretty big eyes manage to stay dry even if you dont blink for a minute!!
otherwise, when everyone is staring at you, when you dont want to look foolish, when it s the smallest thing in the world, the eyes give way.. like as if a dramatic movie is being enacted..argghhhhhh...
ok, enough bull shitting! i cried in front of my boss, i cant believe i admitted it, but i did, it was nothing. he was giving me constructive criticism.
True he referred to my article with terms like "shit" "terrible" "shit" "a joke" "badly written" and did i mention "shit??!!"
but then he was nice and sweet and told me i was learning and that i would always learn.... everything was fine till then cos even i was not happy with the article and i wanted to know what was wrong..... but just my luck...
before i knew it, my eyes were filling up with tears! oh i so wanted to stop myself, but i could not.. i could feel them fill my eye slowly, blurring my vision, bottom to top and then reach the edge and form a huge fat droplet before spilling out ....

my boss stopped talking and i tried to cover them up. it was just tears, i was not crying, it happens when ever i get very.. well...when i laugh, when i m nervous and when i get very very pissed off. just tears, no crying n all!! but my boss was not convinced!

i left the room, trying to laugh, (weird sight!!) feeling like the biggest idiot in the world.
it shouldn't be a big deal. i mean its ok to cry sometimes... especially after u have cried for Bruce almighty!!! (i cant believe i admitted that too!!!) .. anything is okay!!
i had a wise friend convince me in his wise own way...shit happens!!
then he immediately promised to piss on my boss !!! :)
another friend promised to beat him up.
but still..... i cried.
shessh what a baby!

Malza

2006-08-11T08:29:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt the rain? How it starts with a silent display of tiny droplets. Most of the time you are too busy to notice until it pours down on you. The drops feel like small pleasant jabs on your face. As you look up into the night sky questioning it.., it stares back at you, dark and innocent… grinning away slyly at the yet unaware world.

Soon the drops turn from feeble to frenzied.

They fall on your hand, replacing the sudden goose bumps with identical bead like droplets.

Suddenly the word realizes and starts panicking. Pedestrians run for shelter, hawkers bring out large coloured tarpaulins.

Friends try to stay under one umbrella while mothers try and cover their children’s head with their pallus.

The droplets keep falling, visible only in front of a car’s headlight.

The world rushes past you as the dew drops fall on your eye lashes. You blink and open them to a fresh smell of wet mud that wakes up your senses filling you with a natural smile.

Even though you know, you put your hand out, palm open, to test if it is raining. You let it be, allowing the water to form a small puddle in the middle of all the criss-crosses representing your life.

You can see the road getting an eerie shine to it as the street lights start to reflect the oncoming downpour.

You look up, the second time: this time your eyes are closed and unquestioning. You permit the rain to cleanse your face. As if, letting it wash away all the weariness of a tired and long day.

You reach home and mum shrieks after one glance.

“Oh my god, you are drenched!!! You will die of pneumonia , let me bring you a towel and I’ll make something hot for you…”

“Amma, it has not started raining yet, it’s just …”

“Sushhhhh. You act like your 10 years old!! What do I do with you?”

As I step in, it starts to pour. The rain smiles at me and I smile back.

with a last longing look, your back to the dry world.

ramblings of a woman

2006-07-27T22:07:00.000-07:00

the cover story on last month's week was on naxalite women. how these women, destered by their husbands, tried to make a difference in their socitey by doing what they thought was right.
made me think.
i am not a feminist and i dont proclaim to be one. true at times i defend women, that s only cos the boys are being stupid!!
i have always stood for women asking for what has been theirs. be it respect at work, at home or in society. and like many other women, i was under the impression that education is the only the way to freedom.
our government has made various provisions for women to have their freedom and sometimes "more than equal" share of benifits.
ladies seats in busses are a very common example. women are given the right or privilage for seats .
the other day i was travelling by bus, wen i got in, i was suprised to see that the men were in the seats marked for women. i have always asked men to get up such situations and they do.some are polite enough to get up and give way but the others have to be asked to.
at the next stop, some other women got in. they looked very educated and well dressed and dignified. one looked longlingly at a seat where a man had occupied and then turned away and kept standing for the rest of her journey.
i felt so sad for her at that point. what is the use of so many women fighting your rights, that you cant open your mouth and claim what is yours.
what is the bloody use of your education?
how hard is it?

worst joke...EVER!!!!

2006-07-17T22:49:00.000-07:00

so yesterday i was hanging out with my friend who could not stop laughing at "his jokes" .
they made absolutely no sense, (trust me) but he was laughing with so much sincerity it made me miss the good old bad joke days, when rolling eyes, raised eyebrows and more rolling eyes were the order of the day.
so a dedication is being put forth, to all, who i miss
post the worst joke you have ever heard to date.

i ll start: this is on my second day at work:

q: what would happen to Sridevi if she is replaced with an "F"
ans: she would become "Free devi"!!!

ahem, yes, it's the "worse jokes ... EVER", remember?

so shoot away.... the worse, the better!

someone stole ma baby

2006-07-06T23:11:00.000-07:00

aahgrrrrhhhhh. heard of intuition? The act or faculty of knowing or sensing without the use of rational processes; immediate cognition.
heard of women's intuition: the term suggesting that women have this most of the time, probably because of the two sexes they are most likely the ones who actually act on theses " sensing some thing is wrong" motive.
a normal friday morning. i get up all pumped to go to work as it is weekend tomo. as i slip in some extra money into my bag, (i don carry a wallet) i wonder if i should keep it in the inner compartment. chucking away the thought, i ran toward the bus stop. catch the regular " oh my god i cant seem to breathe" bus. i survive the first ride, and get into the next bus.
i paid for the ticket and and for some strange reason the image of my phone passed through my head. so i jus checked if my bag was zipped up. as the bus resumed its bumpy journey i got back into day dreaming. i had this strangely vivid and very detailed premonition that i was on msn messenger and telling my friend that i needed his phone number again as i had lost my phone. first he would shout at me for being careless and ....
"a seat is available there, you can sit", my stream of thought being broken, i pushed people(the men) away and quickly sat down. when i looked down ...horror of horror, the zipper of my bag was undone and my phone was gone. it was truly and really gone. now i can have that conversation with my friend on msn messenger. hey i was psychic! ayo, what was wrong with me...
i jumped from my seat. actually jumped scaring a lot of people and screamed "nan phone hoiythu, nan phone hoyithu". some people started laughing looking at my worried face,( i think it was the kannada) but i managed the dirtiest look possible, and looked around frantically trying to spot who stole my phone. more started laughing at my desperate attepmt, but i was determined enough to stop the bus and check everybody.i know that s not possible, but that s the beauty of being able to express well!! as i pushed people around, a lady pointed to something on lying on the floor of the bus, ma phone!!!!!!
with all the relief surging through, i picked it up and ignored the crowd, who seemed to have gotten their action for the day. the lady next to me suggested that maybe i had dropped the phone instead of putting it into the purse. but i remember zipping up the purse, or did i let it remain open after putting back the change??
well all that did not matter now. i had my phone back and kissed it, (then remembered it was lying on the floor of the bus!! ewee!). but who cared. i got my phone back.
it maybe the oldest model offfered in the world, it may look ugly with the shiny powerpuff sticker on the back, (all shine gone now), and it may say unreachable when the person right next to me tries to call. but still it was my phone. which gave me lot of memories even in the short span of six months.
as i got of the bus, clutching my bag, like no man's business. i thanked god that i at least i realised my phone was missing at the right time. by now, i had convinced myself that i forgotten to close the zipper and had droped my phone. as i reached my office and put my phone back, i found that the money i had put into the same zipper, way inside, was missing, stolen!
i m acting on all intuitions henceforth.

stranger in my heart

2006-07-05T22:42:00.000-07:00

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know, right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me

sometimes its hard to judge people. no matter how long and how well you kow them, they always manage to surprise you.
i have been losing friends in the fastest trend possible. they are just forgeting to remember and respond. some dont take time to respond, others dont care enough to wait.

i know they mean no harm , they have valid enough reasons, but sometimes i feel so let down that i have myself looking at my life without them, wondering if i even knew them at all.
i hate the power we give our loved ones to hurt us by small gestures and remarks, even if unintentional.

i m tired of covering up all the hurt that comes along with it.
yesterday a friend, today a stranger in my heart i cant forget.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know, right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

p.s for people who dont know me, i tend to over react(a looooooot), so no worries, like moontalk mentioned for her post, this too can be ignored.

drama queen

2006-06-28T23:13:00.000-07:00

day 1
get to office with a terrible cold. the ac is working here so my nose is practically dysfunctional. unable to speak, i am envisioned as a shy and quite person.
get food poisoned by the lemonade they provide. suffer from shooting pain in the stomach for more than four hours.
day 2
had to take a call( a telephonic interview) of some IT major dude. and get the stuff written in first person perspective!! then i was given six news stories to edit and re write and two other small articles to complete!!!
the cold and the ac are still on so now the speech defect thingy is hinting at arrogance.( ayyo)
as i stayed muddled up in this, my system decided to crash not once or twice but a total of seven times!!!!!!! arahgghhhh.
the lemonade is tested for safety and proves of little difficulty.
in great rush, i finish a transcription and submit my hard work only to receive a toothy grin from my boss saying he gave me the wrong tape!
he gives a bundle of books with orders to work from home :(
day 3
get to office real late cos i was up till one finishing home work!!!!( home work.. get it?? ha ha )
get my official first warning from a RECEPTIONIST!!!!! hmmphm.
my cold is still very strong so my new image for the day is mentally dumb and slow!!
as i wait for the lemonade guy to arrive, i get some otherwork done super quick.. now im getting used to the editing and transcription real fast... and so think i can leave early.
so i get ready to push off of to my friends sis wedding, boss asks me to cover an assignment about academia and the IT industry!!
head to the royal orchid wearing a dress fit to be worn only at home with a sling bag that has seen most of my years in college.
as i sit and endure the one hour panel discussion, my mouth not being used to this much silence, my mind wanders as i imagine myself in my happy place.
as the discussion concludes, i go around, the pr intoduces me to other people there.
" moi. editorial. the smart techie. silicon india"
ahhhhh... everything fell right back to place then.
day 4
the cold has moderated to a more husky and nicer sounding voice
and as i sit at my desk, enjoying the view outside, i prepare myself for the long and not so easy road ahead...my lemonade has arrived, ciao.

2006-06-26T09:42:00.000-07:00

please come now I think I'm falling
I'm holding to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I'm trying to escape ...

have you ever felt strangely peaceful. when everything in your life falls into place, even if only for that fraction of a moment. when you feel like every moment in your life was conspired so that you could end up in that moment. where you cant feel anything, except a warm feeling, like how you felt when the gaintwheel reached the tip and you heart did a flip anticipiating the next moment, filling the space between your heart to stomach to fingers... something unexplainable and you seek for none.

then you spend hours trying to put everything you feel into words. after two hours you do what you knew you were eventually going to do with the post all along. delete. aahhhh... nobody will understand anyway. my moment.

Hold me now
I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain't so far down

to a new beginning

2006-06-25T23:04:00.000-07:00

As you set out for Ithaka
hope your road is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
angry Poseidon-don't be afraid of them:
you'll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
wild Poseidon-you won't encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you're destined for.
But don't hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you're old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you've gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.
Ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
Without her you wouldn't have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.

And if you find her poor, Ithaka won't have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you'll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.

---- c.p cavafy

2006-06-18T11:33:00.000-07:00

and wen i had every weird wish fullfiled and got everything i had wanted...someway or the other.... suddenly i knew it was all coming to an end.

memories

2006-06-11T22:08:00.000-07:00

a last walk down the graveled road
a last look at the home of yesterday
a last smile, a last wish
a hurried last scrible on paper.
the heavens gave way
the loudest shower ever
everybody left and yet they stayed
letting the water form the puddles

a last run through the court
a last laugh that echoed through the empty fields
a last shot, a last shout
a last they ll ever see

the last hug, the last smile
the last goodbye.
the last rain, like never before
ah... its all washed away now.

my tomorrow

2006-05-28T12:09:00.000-07:00

"when i grow up, i want to become a doctor. a heart suregon.
i want to save other peoples lives. i will also help the poor and treat them for free.
i want to become a doctor because they can help other people."

few lines from my essay writing "what you want to be when you grow up", from my second standard note book.
i never really understood why i had to write this essay, three a times a year, one for every term exam, from second standard all the way upto the eight. just the title changed from simple "what you want to become when you grow up" to the more appropriate " my ambition in life".
the titles kept changing and as i think of it now, i stuck to my ambition. i had my future chalked out. where i would study after my tenth, what i wanted to specalise in. what i want to do tomorrow when i grow up...
its the future now. five years since my tenth. i m grown up now. none of my new friends even know that i wanted to become a doctor!!
the past week, i have been thinking. as i sat on my terrace, i watched the world below.
my solitude spoke to me. suddenly, i could not forgive myself for that day when i silently gave up on my dream to become a doctor because i was too scared to try.
after all dreams were just that right, not reality.

as life moved on, i kept changing with it... making newer adjustments to suit my way of living.. taking precautions not to dream. not to be rejected.

and today, after all these years, somewhere lost in the past, i found the dissapointed younger myself. the one who was inspired after a tall heart surgeon, dressed in green had saved the life of her sister and she had vowed to do the same for others. and i could not face her.
how could i have given up so easily?
her first ever dream. my first dream.
as i sit on my comp now, two in the morning. i think of everything i gave up because i never tried hard enough. the images kept flashing in my head like it was yesterday, except it was not.
i read in a book some where that there is a reason for everything, perhaps at that moment an event ocurs we have neither the insight nor the foresight to comprehend the reason;but with time and patience it will come to light.
in exactly six days i ll be done. my life an open book. every word i write upon it a responsible mistake. i m still wating for my light.
my tomorow is here.
... and i m scared.

happy :)

2006-05-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

happiness is so subjective.
making each one in a different perspective
one minute its here and the next its gone.
and not to only one it belongs...
the entire day, i spent under a cloud of gloom
not knowing what to say and what to do.

then the message of love came through
expected, yet unexpected to turn its due
turned my world all around
with sweet nothings laid askew
my smile has not ceased since an hour or two
and this badly written poem is a dedication for vous
hmmmmm... hapiness, so subjective, so true!

moral story

2006-05-07T12:28:00.000-07:00

@ WORLDSPACE, BANGALORE

ujju: i made it very clear to them that i m looking for a job and not an internship.
moi: i know no shit bout music, what the hell am i going to do?
chinu(who will be reffered to hereafter as "C2", cos he hates the name chinu and i lack the patience to type out chinnuu chinnapa every time!) : i came here for print, i ll do radio!! :)
day 1
only C2 turns up at nine in the morning with broken hand and all. other two interns missing.
day 2
ujju and moi make an entry at sharp ten only to find the entire office empty, other than of course the extra hardworking intern, C2 who is busy setting album titles. both women look on with new found respect at this one handed boy, doing some super cool job with ALBUM TITLES that we could not even understand... till later (wide smirk)

C2 (to moi): see first u enter this code okay, then you press save and then enter the album title and blah blah blah blah blah.. and voila see the song is ripped with markers for starting vocals, then .... blah blah blah blah....
moi: eh? what?. (sheepish look on face)
ujju: la la la la
----------------------
dundee(our boss): hey u guys can interview a band
ujju&moi: yea!!!
meeting with the band
eh... um.... well almost.... ( we met one guy from the band)
moi: i'm sorry, i was under the presumption that we were meeting with your band...{ meaning: dude!!! where the heck is the rest of your band?????}
dude: well they live out of town
ujju: when will they be back?{ from the holiday}
dude: they live there
moi: so how do u practise?
da dude: we dont.
ujju: { sudden realisation} oh.... you mean they live there and not here!!!!
moral= our first byline :)
-------------
C2: where for lunch?
ujju: not kaycees
moi: not kaycees
C2: i like south indian meals that wrinkle my fingers. wrinkles= satisfaction!
ujju& moi: rolling eyes!
moral= kaycees= inexpensive= "food"
-------------------
(spazz= someone who cant spell to save anybody's life)
ujju: okay type out this interview
moi: ya ya ill do it
ujju: spaz, spaz
moi still typing
ujju: ayyo ayyo spazz
moi shows signs of being hurt
ujju: ayyo spazz, how cute!!
moi shows signs of being happy spazz!
C2: i got my cast off .... that ****ing physio has no sense of feeling! i have never been in so much pain before in MY LIFE... (gets very emotional) agaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
moi: well now you ll have new respect for women in labour!
C2 in complete silence accompanied with "what the f*$* is wrong with you?" expression!
moral= mad ads can hurt and never talk smart when C2 in pain!
----------------
ujju: i m test driving new bike.. its bloody heavy.
C2: riding you mean, so cool. hey get me those drag race tickets from dad no
ujju: ya cool, i ll ask my dad. it will be fun.
moi: complete silence
C2: joe's garage had such super .. blah blah blah
ujju: ya... the race will feature bikes from.. blah blah blah blah
C2( to everyone): i ride a black pulsar(only to always be seen with the Dio!)
ujju: i drive a scooty pep, she s my gal.
C2: ride u mean!!!
moi: complete silence
moral= bikes = ride and not drive
--------------

moi: o great lord, blah blah
ujju: there s a pigeon in the women's loo
moi: there are two pigeon s in the women's loo!
ujju: they keep flying about from the men's to the womens
moi: chiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!
both start giggling
ujju:... and then you know what happened, he told her that he should...
moi: shit,,, no way man... really?
ujju: ya and then blah blah blah.....and she told everybody
moi: ya ????... blah blah blah blah.. these men no...
ujju: i know... blah blah blah
both break into fits of giggling...
C2: Women!!!!!
moral=C2 gossips when he feels like, the rest of the times he just judges! :)
------------------
intern register
ujju: 70% attendance
moi: 75% atendance
C2: 150% attendance!
moral= heh...^^^^look above^!
-----------------
ujju: i m so happy.. la la la
moi: i dont have a future, what am i doing here
C2: i din make the job profile. shit. why da?
ujju: la la la ... i m so happy, happy, happy
moi: at least your not journalism, this is supossed to be my forte
C2: that's not the point. i din clear all those entrance exams also no
moi: at least you have an internship in broadcast, what am i going to do. i cant even type to save anybody's life (spazz)
ujju: happy, happy ( a little frenzied dance)
C2: but you are doing print, your getting those calls also no....
moi: but dude your doing your acj and stuff, i m the one who is messed up here!
ujju: happy, happy, i m going to have pizza in the night!
moral=its not hard to find happiness, ask ujju!!! aapppaaaaaaaa
----------------------
C2: ER is a word
ujju: uhm... i don think so
moi: i m sure its not. shut it and put something else
C2: it is, it is, it is
moi picks up the two letters and throws it at him.
ujju: ABBREVIATIONS NOT ALLOWED!!!!
C2: moi your turn
moi: hmmmmmmmmmmm
ujju: ayyo play ya
moi: hmmmmmmmmmmmm
C2: listen, i ll leave the game now. i can make a hundred words with the letters
moi: .... and i cant because i dont have the same letters as you, dumbass !
C2: (with sudden realisation)... oh....
C2: listen, you chicks don know how to play. and this ujju's rule book is stupid
ujju: rune, there that s my word
moi:hot, there thats my word
C2: tv.......
ujju &moi: aaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
moral= Scrabble and bhat= never mind!
----------------------
moi: updates done.
ujju: yup
moi: so wat next?
ujju: don know
moi: hmmmmm
ujju: hmmmmm
ujju: lets go on google chat
moi: sitting on computers next to each other??
ujju: yup
moi: okay cool.
ujju[types on google]: so wassup
moi:[typing] nothing ya, bored
ujju: lets play tic tac toe on messenger.
moi: sitting on computers next to each other??
ujju: yup
moi: okay cool
moral= joblessness can hurt. better get employed fast.
--------------------------
last day at work
C2: where to for lunch
ujju: not kacyees
moi: not kacyees
C2: cool, pecos it is then. you can buy me a pitcher
moral= C2 always gets his food!
*****
C2 (to moi) : so first you put in a code no, then enter album title all in uper case.. blah blah blah..
moi: eh? what?...
ujju: la la la .. happy happy

MORAL = worldspace+2moths+3miserable auditions+1 goofed up music review+pinto's samosas+ those crank calls by some north bugger( ha ha ha, thanks bhat bhaiya!) +loooooooooots of Orkutting+ one healed hand+ 3 free t shirts+ all christies!+ 8 psycho practicals undergone by 4+bheema lunch+ dundee's " no sweat"+rajkumar posters+going on air = AWESOME.
will miss this too.

My point of view

2006-04-12T13:24:00.000-07:00

My friend broke the news to me as we were having lunch. after being quite disgusted by the weather and an upset tummy, this news not only shocked me but also reeled me into a state of fear.
as we hurried out of the restaurant, the sms's started flowing in. one could sense the urgency in every one's step. the shortcut back to office was not fast enough to stop people on streets warning us to go home. every one was on the phone. calling everyone else. warning every one else. asking loved ones to get home and stay there.
shops were pulling down their shutters and emplyoees could been seen rushing home.
my office was no diferent. after being nearly thrown out by my concerned seniors, ujju and i decided to go for home for good.
it s funny when your scared. everything seems to get larger than life. i could not get in touch with my parents who were traveling the entire day.
i could see the traffic pick up at an unearthly hour for jams.
hushed whispers were making rounds of how the 'riots' had already begun in the city.
schools and colleges were shut. final exams were indefintely postponed.
like a well oiled machinery, the great city of b'lore declared an unanimous and unconsious bundh.
as i walked the final few steps towards my house, the big mall had alreday made precautions by placing huge nets! auto drivers were demanding a bomb as stranded college girls tried to get home. the bus stop was overflowing.
as i walked ahead, three bikes came zoming by. they carried the yellow and red flag of karnataka.
they stoped in fron of this particular grocery store and demaned it to be shut. there was a cop standing by doing nothing. there was a stagnant crowd, waiting for someone to make the first move.
as i stood a few feet away from that threatning man, i could see the hatred, the violence he meant as he pointed the famed flag at a non- karnataka citizen demanding him to follow protocol.
medical stores were all shut as i thanked my stars for already buying necessary medical supplies for dad.
they have already started burning tyres and destroying property.
tomorrow will be a holiday.
Dr. Rajkumar died today.
RIP.

Photo Album

2006-04-08T13:04:00.000-07:00

1990, young aspirants, trying to look older than they are, posing behind their first official playground. god alone where they are now.
2001, a picture of my tenth graduation, the only picture i ever had of my first graduation with my best friend. she has gone far away. she is going to become a doctor...
a picture of three women in white. friends for five years in college. from the first day. matured from unsure girls into what each wanted to be.ironically enough, this was the first picture of only the three taken on the very last day of college, gradutaion day.
pictures of my friends in their childhood... :)
feb 13 2001, picture of me accepting an award on stage. during my tenth validectory function. first proudest moment in my life.... the picture looks smuged, out of focus...not the memory though.
jan 11, 2005 snakes and ladders, a milion pictures to comemorate this play and yet the best one being taken the day before the play. on food court.
jan 11, 2006 a bunch of strangers... a bunch of buddies... my bombay dreams getting fulfilled....
a picture with a boy. taken at the end of a boring english class in 2003. friend was on a photography spree and i obliged, i din want to pose alone, pulled boy in suit along. three years later he still posed with me as we left. nothing had changed and yet so much.
picture of a dancer, taken on a phone. big eyes and light reflecting from her bindi. sometimes it just speaks for itself.
picture of a singer. eyes closed, hand in back pocket and in complete control of the mike. somethings will never change.
Aug 8 2004 picture of a bunch of artistes on stage... enjoying themselves cos that s what they know to do.everyone still unaware of dritsikone.
a bunch of young journalists, satisfaction gleaming after spending time together... suddenly not wanting to go... with their hero.
2003 picture of two girls, one lost for a very long time, one still in possesion of the 'keep in touch' card she meant to give her 3 years ago
picture at a friends house... my new friends, my old friends.... lost somewhere
its fun to dig into albums.... reminds you of the happiness in the moment that flash went off..

yesterday...

2006-04-01T07:42:00.000-08:00

yesterday wen you saw me for the first time,
you held me... promising never to let go.
yesterday wen you saw me take my first step,
you helped me... promising to always help.
yesterday you taught me right from wrong,
your lessons of truth ... promising me eternal hope.
yesterday you held my hand to help me cross the street
you were my support and staff... my pillar.
yesterday wen i told u how how the lion at the zoo
ate my hand, but i managed to decieve that beast;
you nodded along, giving appropriate exclamations.
yesterday you shouted at me for eating too many chocolates,
in front of mum....
while you secretly brought some to cheer me up
yesterday you saw me fall for the first time
you wiped my tears and asked me to be a big girl
yesterday you used to let me hang on your bisceps,
on only one hand.. and then show off.....
yesterday you used to scare me
with little devil stories(and faces) till i cried :)
yesterday wen you found out i could write
u made dreams of a booker prize
yesterday you fought for me
whenever you thought i was right
yesterday wen a boy came home,
...i saw the look of loss on your face.
yesterday you hid your disspointment
wen you saw me fail for the first time
and when i won....
you did everything to make sure
the whole world knew about it
yesterday you were proud of me,
yesterday you screamed at me
yesterday you told me to act my age.

today as i sit in front of you and
see you fight with me for an ice cream cone
(that you want all to yourself, with sprinkles added!)
and i ask you to act your age;
... i wonder
.... what ever happened to that yesterday?
love you daddy. :)

2006-03-27T10:42:00.000-08:00

one day i ll love again
only if they knew....
a part of me is gone
never to return its due
never knew my heart was kept
away in your hold
realised too late....
some things untold
but now its broken
and there s no hope...
one day i ll love again
:(
to my heart that is truly broken, i cant say anything, except i hope you heal soon.

:)

2006-03-26T01:37:00.000-08:00

get tutored in the best school
this is followed by the best college
get a degree in english,
be particular on spelling english words right,
and even more on enunciation
proclaim to everybody about your optional english course
shine among less known relatives as a city girl who is "english"
come home hot, tired and sweaty
see a board that says
"no parking in frond of the gate"
find nothing wrong with it.
ahmmmmmmmmmm
home.
pattambi rocks.
:)

the home i m leaving behind

2006-03-18T21:03:00.000-08:00

your just a house and nothing more,
a decade is not such a long time
if you see that im twice that old....
i grew up here for the first time
4 4' then 4 8' and finally stoping at 5 0'
i fell in love here for the first time,
dreaming of a distant future,

in the silence of the night i held secret coversations
sometimes with a jobless friend,
sometimes with my computer
sometimes with myself
always getting scared at the smallest noise
mostly from the (non stop) chatt house next door
and the imaginary sound of anklets
(which i hear even to this day!)
i burned the mid night oil
and spent several sleepless nights
pouring over books and
walked around the house
what will i do this time?
i ran out when it rained,
the terrace was my place on diwali
the cold cold breeze, along with
the falling leaves of an age old concnut tree

i was the girl who stayed next to "ushus"!
with the egde in my backyard
what memories will i take back with me?
of leaving school?
or of becoming a graduate?

i turned 16 here, and then 18 and then 21
growing up to be the person i am
i came back here to my room with a broken heart
sobbing silently into a pillow
i came to the same when i won
i came to the same when i lost
the room still remains
i changed

i broke the door knob, the lock,
the window and a huge mirror
everything is replaced now.
just as it was before i came
they painted the rooms and hid the walls
that were disfigured with the memories of a little girl
who loved to inscribe her name, dreaming of a famous future
the long corriors echoed the sounds of the past
laughter, screams and sobbing alike
as i ignore its silent pleas of- don go.
the new tiles hid the old ones,
broken by the sudden zest to walk and study all night long
not to mention the dance performances it bore!
the old storage was cleared,
the old memories were gone
old secret places were found
new tears emerged.
i danced, i sang
i laughed, i cried
i was betrayed, i was hurt
i was elated, i was the victor
i loved
i lived
i grew

your are just a house now and nothing more
today i ll be gone
like u' ll be tomorrow
then you will not be a house any more
just a pile of rubble and debri
over the most cherished memories
of a lost girl.

dedicated to the ten best years of my life.

2006-03-17T03:01:00.000-08:00

*WARNING*... this is by far the most boring and useless post i have ever put up.. but nevertheless, i will put it up cos i have nothing else o do as peole finish their work...and also it reflects how creativity can be curbed thanks to boredom....
well....
i m bored. its been two weeks since college came to an end.... or is it three....
so much has happened over this passed time...
i graduated...shit. (hey i got the spelling right!)
dad in hospital
my first interview
my first rejection
moving far far away
my second interview
my first acceptance:)
getting over things
taking walk down kundanhalli lane... (i can see certain people roll their eyes!)
dad finally getting a joke on Friends!!!!!!!
congratulating people on their engagement....(we are all growing old)
usuhs broken down to dust...sniff...
eating ice cream for five continous days
learning expectations is a shitty thing to have bout other people
working at the most chilled out place
(i also think radio dose not mean ugly people....
it jus means people filling their day with some work
while they chill out the rest of the time.... go WS!)
celebrating my first festival of colours
first time i ate holi powder!!!!!
two of my friends getting employeed....woweeee
one still stting without a bath :)
reading 80 posts at a strech.... shit my eyes hurt
finally watched porn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah!!!!!!!
went on a nervous wereck as i thought bout my future
every body moving on.
heard bout 5 million jokes on bird flu.... only none were funny.
contemplated running away from home.... still am planning seriously
and as i sit here at ws, waiting for spaz to finish his work..... bored to death (btw all fully paid and employeed people here have left except the hard working internee and moi!)..... i realise
like everything..... this too shall pass.
shitty post?
i think so to.
sorry, like i said... like everything, this too shall pass.
please bear till next post. promise it will be nicer.
ahaaaa..... boredom........

2006-03-06T13:31:00.000-08:00

special mention to spaz(i changed name...) for taking off the time to update his blog with one hand while i was unable to do the same with two.... and for constantly reminding me to UPDATE!!!! more is on its way..... wait till u see that.... muahaa haa haaa....
:)

time fruitfully passed

2006-03-06T12:20:00.000-08:00

those promises meant for seven am sharp
always and truly religoulsy broken
the getting into shape
with extra mention for the fattest on the team:)
the amount of money spent by shetty getting to col
the super imagination of shamak as
he weasled his way through for coming late
poor poor dino for being the most dedicated
and waiting(sometimes for 20 mins) at my doorstep
shilps who managed odissi along with all the prop work
bakery boy makin cakes for us
ms dancer never turning up for decent practise
the no of entrance test given by puppy while dancing
... cat, xat, snap... to name a few.. kudos
the amount of weight lost by the fattest member on team!!!!
chingi screaming his lungs out
changing his mind faster than the wind
practise sessions with nobody and completely cheesed off
then everybody jumps on board and we feel we can conquer the world
the night before any show
all the reminders on phones to iron costumes
the knode rings, u pins and hair gel
me doing the hair, dipika lookin lost and shetty waiting till last
the make up and costume that untites us from outside
a last minute rush to brighten up the dull n dark people
a last minute advice to smile on stage no matter what
a last minute advice to shamak to keep inhaler on hold!
the admiratory glances
on looking so professional and poised
as we secretly brush off the dust
after triping over our own dhotis backstage
not knowing the bundle of nerves crackling inside
the walking in techinque.. with attitude,
not too little, not too much,
you dont want them to think of us as condesending
the strutting our stuff on stage
the music that always screws up....ALWAYS!
the screw ups that always happen
the blame game that always follows
the dissapointment and hurried rush to control tears
the victory and exctiment .. the not so hushed cries of joy
dino driving compared to shamak!!
the dhaba journey after every major show
the feeling of being on stage
of dancing on stage
of being asked.... " ur that team right?"
of being congratulated by friends and strangers alike
though the latter gives more pleasure
of seeing the pride and admiration
in the eyes of the people who matter the most
of knowing glory
of knowing fame
the sweet sweet success of being with the best
drishtikone rocks and rules.

here s to the bestest team in the world. cant believe its over. my foul weather friends.
i ll miss u more than u ll ever know.
shetty
dino
shamak
bangal babes
puppy
mats
jish (nayi)
c.a
chef
dancer
gaint
indo-chingi
..sniff.... dirstikone. (2004- )

fear

2006-03-06T11:34:00.000-08:00

dark and empty corridors greet your sight...
your in a rush as you pass by the lone watchman,
trying to catch a few winks, who helps u with the wheel chair
the only light that you can see is the one you choose to see
your mind is delirious
your heart thumping away
you wake up the doc from his deep slumber
u care not what anyone thinks
u run around...
around nowhere
the doc states the chances
as you have your fingers glued together in a cross
your desperate and final attempt to hope things will be allright
he says some things that dont add up
of a chanced of survial, of a chanced of recovery
finally signing off with his best wishes.
your ears are buzzing
it doesnt make any sense to you
you move around the hospital
floors, corridors, doors
stop at one....
hoping they will be the answer to your prayers
they state the obivious...
some relief spreads through you
and they unflinchingly ask
where is everybody else?
where is anybody else?
" how is a little girl like you going to manage?"
only if they knew,
this little girl had at that moment
stopped being afraid of the dark;
of listening to ghost stories at night:
of being alone....
she had faced her ultimate fear
in that moment....
the little girl had grown up

as the calls started pouring in...
as the room started getting filled
family, friends, accuqaintances, strangers
all sympathetic, questioning, and emotional
the room was suddenly teeming
too full ...
and i sat in the corner
feeling more alone,
than ever.....

2006-02-23T11:37:00.000-08:00

in the morning... i ll be gone away
all the things i left behind
if you need me... i ll come night or day
lets stop the hands of time

love is on the way
i can see it in your eyes
lets give it one more try tonight, baby

_ happy gradutaion day

.. but we 'll know each other... for the rest of our lives

2006-02-13T11:39:00.000-08:00

katpadi has a super way of putting things into perspective. wen i went on complaing to him about how college is ending and were all gonna part ways.... he put it across so smartly.
that got me thinking.. isnt making friends all about that. knowing each other... forever. not even staying in touch or anything... but being aware of someones presence... because you know they are there... somewhere. and because you knew them... even if it was a long time ago.
i dont know where life is going to take me from here and i dont know if ll be able to stay in touch with many of these people 10 years down the line....
but i don think i ll forget them..... not that easily.
in the words of katpadi....
here s to knowing each other.... for the rest of our lives.

2006-02-13T11:31:00.000-08:00

others who broke my heart

they were like northern stars

pointing my way into

your loving arms

...this much i know is true,

god bless the broken road

that lead me straight to you

-rascal flatts

my humble offering to this years valentines day.
single and very happy with it.
happy val day everybody.

soliloquy

2006-02-11T06:38:00.000-08:00

life's a bitch... sometimes
why cant i say what i want to say to some people. why cant i muster the guts to tell them exactly what i feel about them. why am i the biggest pushover in this world?
life never has any answers for us. it's a game where you sit and find out the damn questions in the first place.
people come and people go. some leave impressions, most dont.
it's a terrible terrible feeling when everything is going to end and you suddenly realise that your investments are worth nothing....

*you never got to tell that friend of yours how hurt and angry you were when she parted ways after all you have been through and all you have done for her.
you never got to tell that guy you hate the way he treats you cos he'd never take you seriously.
you never mustered the guts to tell that girl, she is a farce in your eyes because she will stop being your friend.
you never got to thank that girl who has stuck by you.. thick and thin.. when you did nothing to deserve it.
you never got the guts to realise that after three years you were in love with him... you always were.
you never alpologised to the people who deserved your loyalty when you left their side.
you never got to tell that guy that he cant take honesty... even if it was screaming in his face..because he was too scared
you failed to recognise you're the biggest hypocrite in this world.

Life is weird. things that are supposed to set you free, tie you down... and you are left at the end of the road, toward the beginning of a path, confused.

BOMBAY DREAMS: PART 1

2006-02-03T11:57:00.000-08:00

our team at the gate way of india: night before show. moi(with cut and bleedin toe), shetty, ipsa(not our team but cool gurl),kartik,kini,dips& shilps. our dream.
i cant write about the trip to bombay because it was too brillinat for words
from the foam party on the train to the actual practice sessions at gate way of india.
from fitting into the almost scandlous costumes to getting my first tetanus shot... from make up at 11 am for a 8 pm show to mac donald s at taj... it was just super
and finally to performing at the gate way of india, need i say anything?

the models in the making??: dips, moi & kini.. all set with make up on at hotel room. we had four hours to go for show and no where to go cos of the "look"
p.s; the bombay lady figured out i m mal cos she had trouble with my hair and its texture!!!! my hair had to be done twice!

when we went for fitting at "The Taj".. we were full kushi for a five star meal o.c.... looks like its too expensive even for the hindustan times.. the dancers and models were served with cartons and cartons of food from mac donalds!!! i had to get proof.... i call this mac at Taj!

fun on the train: we discovered lot of alterntaive uses of shaving foam... the team while going.

the big heart: this was a stupid red pillow that follwed shettty around. had to have a pic with it.

what was he thinkin???? apparently nothing!

while the world sleeps: me and dips at the edge of the world...on the way back while everyone else slept.

THE UV EFFECT!!!: this was the costume by manish arora, he gave us body fitting leotard kinda stuff that glowed in uv light. at the intial fitting, the tube tops did not exist!!!! quite the scandal. it was not well liked but at the end turned out to perfect!!! looked awesome with special lights!! looks like a professional does know his work! the girls just before hitting stage in the green room, through which i must add shetty managed to make an almost 20 feet fall!!!
p.s the girls, are wearing uv lipsticks too!!!

Girl power:this was tarun s tehaliani s outfit for us, though it looked brilliant, it was quite tough to dance in! these are all the 17 girls in the team of 35 after show was over.

ALL OF US: this is all of us at the end of bombay trip..(at least most of us, some where still in the changing room) and that is the stage we danced on, steps and all. here the 'kerala men' as we fondly call them are doing wat they know best.. show off!!!

the last dance

2006-01-24T06:24:00.000-08:00

YIPEEE.... it s 8 in the eveing and in two hours i will be officially running away from home.... iit chennai .... plans were made all of a sudden and every body jumped on board... dancing most probably for the very last time under college.... sniff.... still i m going away and almost nobody knows....
we may not be taking too many places.... but we sure are going places...
go dristikonde
heres to our our last time
cheers

gone ....

2006-01-24T06:04:00.000-08:00

one more month and we 'll gradutae
no more things about college to love or hate
one more month and well all be gone
and no more will we belong
one more month and christ will be history
unwillingly, unwantedly very free
one more month and we ll walk the asile
that will take us on a new mile
one more month and all will be memories
the kiosk, naresh, and all the newsletter worries
one more month and we ll say our last goodbyes
hoping and praying.... we wont cry
for all the sorrow in our hearts, time wont wait
one more month... and theres no turning back towards the gate

light

2006-01-17T07:56:00.000-08:00

so the year started of in a very pissing off manner. the big loss (yes it will take me some more time to get over that), then just everything else not going my way, things turning out to be worse than expected.... it was all a sign. my days of good fortune had long left my side and i was left trying to feel the grasp of the lonley life that surrounded me.
everything manged to piss me off. my college, my non existent eductaion, my even more bleak and non existent future plans, my friends.... every body. at the end of a hard day i was left with nothing but dissapointment. i din know what i wanted and so i dint know what to expect.
i was upset and was tired of searching for my share of happiness at every nook and conrner, at every innocent smile and at every undecidable action.
dint i deserve to be happy. where was the siver lining behind this big huge dark cloud of gloom. where was my happiness.
then suddenly, how the clouds came, they cleared. the sun shone through and lit up everything. it was a small crack, through which a faint beam of light struggled to stay alive. struggled to give me my share of deserved or undeserved visibilty. it was a small light that was in no match to the amount of darkness that surrounded me and yet ironically, there was not enough darkess to over come that faint beam of struggling light. and through it all ... i could see...through the gloom, faint outlines of hope were formed.
its never going to be fully lit up. it about knowing how to use the light.

2006-01-05T07:26:00.000-08:00

wen we have bad luck.... why do we have so much of it??????

..........everything

2006-01-02T07:02:00.000-08:00

i sat there on the chair. legs folded. wanting to stop any kind of feeing or emotion pass through me. held myself tight. said a nervous prayer in desperation. my ears were cold and i shut them to keep them warm.
the place was filled. crowded in fact. it didnot make any difference to me. all i could hear was a babble of sounds.
all i could think of was the effort and love put into it. this was my big night. i put my everything into this and i was sure it would pay. this was something i was waiting for, for a very long time. it was never coming back.
as the mans voice rose above the rest. i held my breath. after every ones voice died down, he pronuced my fate. i had lost.
in that moment everything went blank. i could not help not feeing anything at all. its a strange feeling not to feel anything. you just turn numb, indiffernet to everything. as the voices took control, i started to realise. suddenly i did not want to feel anything
i sat there on the chair. legs folded. wanting to stop any kind of feeling or emotion to pass through me. held myself tight. said a prayer in defeated desperation. my ears were suddenly very warm as the voices would not stop.
as someones hand sympathtically patted my head... i felt my eyes give way ... i could not stop the hot tears. i did not cry. i could not. but the tears would just not stop. like a dream you cant explain i sat there on the chair. staring ... straight ahead..into oblivion.
i had lost and nothing was going to change that.

10 years ago!

2005-12-02T01:10:00.000-08:00

so it is December. the final month of the year. the last reminder to do anything before the next term begins. it also happens to be the month of birthdays.
i have a million friends who are celebrating their 'happy' birthdays this month. toping the list is yours faithfully, Moi
so i am a year older to most of my class mates. (only technically coz i was born in the last month of the prevoius year!!!). i cant believe that it is time for another birthday, another day where people will make you aware of how much older you are than them(thanks guys), a day to sit and think of all the birthdays you have had and how life has changed .
that is excatlly what i am going through right now.
1 st year: dont get worked up..... i obviously dont remember anything. my dad said it was important coz there was a big fight at home which stopped any kind of clebrations....poor me.:(
7th: was in first standard.... remember distributing red coloured chocolates to my class' I D'. since i had an excess, my teacher (i wonder how she is) made me give all the students two each.
8th: wore a red 'extra frills' frock.... my fav till today... refused to go home with auto uncle and waited for daddy at school. dad as usual forgot and i sat in school till five alone..... after see me cry, watchman took me to teacher and then someone came from home. first time i was ditched!!! (that too on my birthday)
9th: my best birthday. had the biggest birthday party till date. had all the dance students over at my place and a cake shaped 9!
13th: my first teen year.... man was that "not" a joy ride! cant remeber anything specific except that i could not wear coloured clothes anymore at school and had a weird premoniation of doom...for some strange reason i believed that i will not live past my 16th birthday and will die of some tragic disease!!!( i can the smirk!!!)
16th: shit... suddenly i was 16 and did not die, so i extended the "dead"line to ummmm..about say 21!!!!! my last birthday at school.
17th: grey salwar, lots and lots and lots and lots of gifts!!!!!! go college life!!
18th: first suprise party ever!!! wooooohoooo. became an adult!!!! could get married and had found the pefect dude.( FYI, he's still perfect, though other men might have made an impression!)
20th: spent the day practising for snakes and ladders!
21:?????????: remember the premonitaion!
cant believe how time flies! 10 years ago i 10 and ten years later i will be 30! but every birthday is just another day. a reminder to live the fulest before it slips away.so the next time a birthday comes around, think what you will be doing years from now on this very date. its fun.
every one seems to remind me how old i am getting. but i truly believe that you are as old as you think you are. so you could be a 20 year old man who is just sporouting a moushe for everybody, or the same 'young' boy that you will always remain for those who matter. happy birthday.
Saggitarians
pahtt
moi
gorgeous
lolli
faustus

Nemesis

2005-11-23T07:06:00.000-08:00

Bone from the father, unwillingly taken. Hand from the servant, willingly sacrificed. And blood from the enemy, forced. And out of this cauldron he rose, amidst the ghosts of the past, back to life. Though not dead and never forgotten, there he was, all flesh and bone, born again at the last and most ironic place one could imagine. Cloaked in flowing black robes and darker than the darkest day, with gleaming grey eyes and slits for nostrils, he did not need to say a word to represent the awesome and absolute power he represented. And then he saw him. The reason for his downfall. The cause for all his shame and his lifeless life. Just a young weakling, yet representing the oldest power of all; who stripped him of all his existing powers. Forcibly silenced for thirteen years, he was not letting go of this moment. This was his time, his return, his rule and his revenge. This was his moment
There he was. Pinned against the slab of concrete still struggling to get away, knowing it was in vain. Forced to witness the death of his innocent friend and (re) birth of his oldest nemesis. Forced to witness the cause of his deepest darkest longing, take shape into full power amidst the rest of the dead world. Forced to see his ultimate fears come to life. He could run. He may never be the boy who lived again but he could at least try and hide. After all he was only fourteen. But this was the moment he was waiting forever, since he knew the real cause for the death of his parents. This was his time. To face all the reality behind the fame, behind the scar and behind his identity. This was his time to stand up, even if only fourteen. This was his revenge even if it ended in defeat. This was his moment even if it was his last.
The duel took place, between two equally resolved and courageous people, both representing either extreme. But even extremes are connected. By the power of pure determination and courage. They are more common than different. You don’t have to be the Dark Lord to always win. You don’t have to be fourteen to always lose.
Life decides that for you.

moi again...

2005-11-05T21:20:00.001-08:00

the two weeks of HOLIDAYS have taken a toll on me and rendered me quite jobless and useless...hence .... you too can take that quiz thing ....its fun...here are some of the facts bout being moi after i took the quiz.....

name that suits me: Rachel...ya... i dont think so....tannis any day
wat i am going to be when i grow up: Actor/ActressYou're an actor or actress! You love to act and be dramatic, no matter what happens to you.....looks like faustus has competition
how i am going to die: you are going to die of old age. you're hard studying payed off and you did everything right. you had a very calm and simple life, which is good.!!!! can you believe that one... he he he...
about being in love with someone....ahemmmmmm: u fancy him or her well he/her is pretty hot !!...well well well.... wat do we have here...
my theme song: ..." because of you" by Kelly Clarkson...
Because of you I never strayed to far from the sidewalk .Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt .Because of you I find it hard to find it hard to trust, not only me,but everyone around me, Because of you, I am afraid I lose my way, and its not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry, because I know that's weakness in your eyes I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh, every day of my life My heart can't possibly break, when it wasn't even whole to start with ....WOOOOKYA...... cant say it fits perfectly.....cant say otherwise....
my Disney charcater, whom i resemble the most: Ariel from the Little Mermaid....adventrous amd mostly misunderstood, you know you are meant for something much more..you have hopes and dreams and in time you will achieve them.. be patient... hey thats so cool....maybe Ariel is a better name for me.
and finally....the FAQ
what kind of boyfriend will i have:..this ought to be fun....
He will be extremely cute, and is kind of solitary and cold, but deep down in his heart, he loves ya grl! awwwwwwwwwwwwww...... thats PERFECTO.....
now you know me better.... i think.....;)

moi

2005-11-05T20:58:00.000-08:00

Your Hidden Power Is Water
You have a rather calm soul, but when tempted will get pissed off at those who bug you. You do whatever you can in your powers to help those of your allies and have a okay taste for human kind, but you find them rather annoying on occasions.

Gem Stone: Saphire, Eye Color:Ice Blue,
Hair Color:Dark Blue that's long that goes to your waist.
Quote: If you wait for me Then I'll come for you. Although I've travelled far, I always hold a place for you In my heart. If you think of me, If you miss me once in a while, Then I'll return to you. I'll return and fill that space in your heart

look who's counting.....

2005-10-26T12:59:00.000-07:00

178 days left!!!!

Its funny the power time has over us. I still remember when I was in the second standard. I stood in my dark green tunic outside the senior’s block at school and looked at the tall building. It was to be my home for the next nine years. At that point I vividly remember asking myself…when will I finish studying and star living?????? Only if I had known that I always knew the answer. …… but at taht point ...I was not ready for it.
I realized now…. but that does not mean that I am ready for it. But it is part of a change called growing up…its called Life’s Not Fair syndrome….
Now that the messages have started making the rounds about how we have only limited time left at college…I guess everybody is making an extra effort to make these last few days actually count.
What can I say…five years in this place and not one day has been the same. Every year has thrown up different challenges…some that have been victorious dealt with and …some…a bit of failed disappointments …but not once regretful. Wonderful people…. wonderful experiences..I have to thank god for everything I have had and many things I did not.
Next year all of this will be a thing of the past…we are all moving on and we cant stop. Its like trying to hold sand in your palm…the tighter your grip .…the more that sand slips out. Its not that I am sad that college is going to end. In many ways it’s the beginning of life actually. A new adventure. A new roller coaster ride with its own ups and downs.
Its just that….I was kinda getting fond of this old roller coaster.
Its funny how we take things for granted in life. The grass always seems greener on the other side. Two years of brilliant prospects of friendship, unity, awesome fun and even love, was lost to a lot of unwanted things now reducing us into a struggle to live every possible moment in these last few days. Our class has suddenly realized that we, as a group, are identities to their future. Everyone is frantically searching for good memories that will form their “college life”. Every one is getting to know each other and silently regretting the time wasted. Suddenly everyone is realizing that this is the end of life, as they know it. Come graduation and everyone will be on their separate ways and things will never be the same again. Everyone is searching…. for something lost…for something new…something to leave behind …for something to be a part of their lives.
Its funny how life works….
It’s all in the way you look at it right? An eternity could pass in a moment…. and a moment could last for a lifetime….
Yes…it’s all in the way you look at it.
Start looking.
Ciao

2005-10-01T20:59:00.000-07:00

I love him.…
He is around six feet tall, has the dreamiest dark brown eyes and a killer smile. I met him four years ago, when I was seventeen. The first look did it all. It was rather ironic. For a year before, I was unaware of his existence and after I saw him I could not stop seeing him everywhere. I never believed in love at first sight but he had decided to make me eat my words. We studied in the same college, different classes. He knew all my friends and I knew all of his but we never got introduced or even spoke. I still remember, I had to walk home with my friends and he decided to come along. Nobody knew at that time. It was December 16,2002. The evening after college had finished Christmas celebrations. I was gaily dressed in the oldest pair of salwar (dress code applied even then) with a string of green shiny streamer around my neck…. celebrating the Christmas spirit. We walked all the way from college till check-post…nobody introduced us but in an unspoken way it was understood that we knew each other. He was very sweet and even tried making conversation (mainly about the streamer) but I was too overwhelmed and just answered in one-liners. He even asked me where I lived but my other friend (who incidentally claimed to be totally in love with this same guy) was ready to answer all his questions even if they were not directed towards her. I decided to keep mum, not because I was nervous or was trying to play hard to get but coz I felt happy just walking next to him. It was perfect….he was perfect. After the walk, that lasted about 15 minutes, he headed of in his direction and I did in mine. I looked back unable to stop myself…then I fell. Not fell in love kinda fall but fell on the road…flat on my face and if it hadn’t been a red light, I most probably would not be typing with my hands at least. That event should have embarrassed me but after the walk nothing ever in my life worried me…that’s when I knew things were going to be different.
It has been three years since the walk….i never told him how I felt even though graduation day almost made it happen…. And somewhere in my heart like before…there was an unspoken thought….he always knew. And after all this time I was finally introduced to him “officially” just two months ago. It was a sudden shock and even after all this time…I felt my heart drop to my stomach as he approached me. We spoke about some stupid stuff that did not make any sense at all….but then again I was content. As I sat next to him, I remembered the number of times I had wished on a shooting star for something like this. Just taking in his voice, his smile and just sitting next to him. And as he turned and smiled…i smiled back....with understanding
He still studies in my college and has a girlfriend. I thought I should have felt bad and cried my eyes out but suddenly it did not matter. I tried in vain to get over him but now I know that I don’t have to. Sometimes….. it just feels right. Who says love makes you bitter. It is the most beautiful thing in the world.He is my first love and will always be.

road trip

2005-10-01T20:53:00.000-07:00

Okay this was not a road trip but I thought it was a cool headline for the article. …Sorry…. post (happy k.mala?)
I went to pondy again and could not control my excitement since my name was put up.
From deciding on clothes to friends trying to remind you to get something back for them..it was just like old times;)!!!
KUDOS TO*****
*Firstly….mr. nice voice..who got drunk even before we got on the bus to pondy…wat a sight…
*…to the journey that was great….i never knew so many songs even existed
*….to ika and faustus for bringing out the true kanadigas in us and to torch boy for all the impressions and imitations…. “Torch marr” anybody???
*…to driver cheta ..for brining us to the campus at 3 am…even the registrations were not open!!!!
*…to that stupid faceless dude who kept playing samples of all songs at that weird hour! Over and over and over!!
*….to me for getting a temp of 104 on arrival and still dancing.
*…..to the lime juice costing only rupees five that was a staple food for the dance team
*…to us…. for waking up at five in the morning and going for dance practice while the rest of the world (read college) slept…..YAWN……talk about dedication.
*…to dance boy and bangla babe for fracturing and spraining their toes respectively….a day before the dance!!!!
*…to the Bhal puri, Panne puri and Cobe Manchurian…oh and two varieties of noodles…one just plain and one Nice!!!..et al.
*….to all the girls who did not wear sleeve-less shirts or shorts despite the sweltering heat while the boys conveniently paraded half dressed…so much for equality among the sexes!!.( thanks to flower teacher)
*….to all the girls who managed to wear sleeve-less despite this terror and hid it with dupattas and stoles…me included…. women’s liberation…from the heat ..I mean.
*…to “no pressure” put on the dance teams as the college banked on them to raise the points from third place to first …(sarcasm intended)…no pressure…. just the same old line….”ya the dance teams will win”…
*…to our dance teams for actually winning five places out all the six….takita-din
*…to the art rep for making the possible, impossible….which peeled out quite quickly too!!!!!!
*….to the mad ad voice over form mysore… Iaaaaa tellaaaaaa youaaaaaa the storyaaaa...AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
*…to faustus for losing a hired bike’s keys ….in the SEA!!!!
*….to the boys who played football with more energy than ever….at 2am to 3:30 am!!!!!.
*….to the college just near Christ…for dedicating an entire “mad ad” to us and making complete idiots of themselves.
*….to funny boy and woh-lamhe
*….to “stripti-kone” for striping on stage…!!!! What fun
*….to torch boy and Lajavathiye….he he he it still rocks.
* …for an awesome kathak session…..tha -dha
*…to pindi for re-recording over all the pondy tapes…ahhhhhhhhhhhh
*….to all the girls who managed to sleep only in he girls dorm…for once!!
*….to the cutest guy on the trip for being sooooooooooooo nice.
*….to the five boys who managed to go to the beach on the smallest TVS luna around…..at the same time!!!!!!…that was quite a sight
*….to me who managed with no sleep for two days continuously and still have enough energy …it showed on my face later but that’s a different story.
*…to the best ride to Oroville and hopeless shopping ever
*…to ika and me getting thrown out of the shops…. even there.
*…to the complete lack of breeze…really …nothing moved…. not even a leaf on a branch of a tree!!!!
*….the one kilometer walk to the boys dorm at 4 in the morning
*…to my voice which disappeared completely on day 3
*…to the beautiful sunrise on the beach promised and not forgotten
*…for total hours of sleep…for all six days …35 hours in 144 hours…am still recovering…
*….to the fancy lunch place ‘Ladel’ for serving food exactly two hours after ordering for it!!!!
*…to the appearance of the board exam results on mad ads day….my parents are still unaware!!!!
*…to the pathetic sand mermaid….and it’s occupant…. he he he he
*…to the last time I danced on that stage….
*…to the awesome mad ads and MPD girls skit…for a preparation of half an hour…. we were brilliant(girls that is).
*….to our room…which was never clean after dance…
*….to ‘Titanic’ and ‘Casablanca’ and silk bags…..all most every girl has one
*….to faustus for wearing my blue rocksters to the bathroom!!!he he he …definitely his colour.
*….to all the guys who were so sweet and thought it necessary to flash for me(topless only) ..that too when I had a temp of 104!!!!!! …did not help the fever just.. funny bone…..cute guy included..he he he I can see some of the girls turn GREEN.
*…to the sad 5star dinner…for which we finally had to pool in!!!!!(can u believe what flower power did?!!!)
*….to hotel Karthik…pure vegetarian food….and its delicacies.
*….to the caveman mascot….i cant remember his name…Malkyte..or something….man he was ugly.
*…to the walk after the night out….niceeeeeeeeeee
*….to the male accompanying teacher and his complete ‘maun_ wrat’….really. He did not say a word!!!..all 6 days!
*…to creator of “tannis” for not breaking any bottles….
*…oh …to tannis herself for one year of having this name.!!! Nobody calls her anything else nowdays.
*….to the two hours after dance….
*….to the very very nice purple skirt….and second windy trip to the beach….the sand… and all the talk.
*….the awesome photo of mine on the phone….wow……..
*…to the cul team for winning the overall trophy…. JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!!!!!
to the sand, the sun, the heat and sweat(which considering the heat was quite a deal). To all the people who made this trip so awesome and brilliant.
Cheers.

MEN!!!!!

2005-09-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

I HATE MEN.... PERIOD.
i know that there will be a few of you who will say that not all men are scum..but you know what?????? at the end of the day most of them in MY life are just that....SCUM..........downright ugly scum
and if you are under the super illusion that the man by your side is clean chit....think again....
You give and give and give and when you want something back..you are termed selfish...
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....EEDIOTSSSSS.
P.S the reason for all the venom and bittereness are two men(actually going by their maturity level BOYS) in my life....

Guess whos back....

2005-09-08T13:03:00.000-07:00

yehhhhhhhhhhhh......WASSSSUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP.....i am back after a very very long break... i must say that i have been quite busy..with my dance and all...but now that i have an exam tomorrow....freee as a bird...he he
seriously...i havent updated my blog for like a month and a half due to "lack of time" but i do it at 2 am when i have an industrial psychology exam the next day.....i have no sense of time magement..
so whats up with me...well surprisignly people are actually comming up to me and asking me to update my blog.... i never thought so many people read it anyway...
so i went to pondy...again...and it was awesome...again.
but i guess i enjoyed this trip more for varoius reasons.... a deatiled report on the trip to pondy will be given later... but on the whole i never knew i could stay awake for neraly 60 continious hours and still have the energy to run and scream and shout...
man that was good and i really needed some time off.
now that i am back...maybe i can actually think as to what i want to do and move away from dance and cul team and stuff...
college sucks as of now....but i am hoping ethnic day will make up for it. exams rock....i have no idea for the first time in my life...what to write in my paper....my results were out and i was pretty pissed....dhanya is not feeling well and has gone home....hope that girl gets well soon
my love life is soooooo stagnant that it has started growing new stufff on it.....at least he congratulated me on my victory...if not anything else.... stuff is happeing in k.mala's life....lucky girl...i could do with some excitment....till then maybe i too shall indulge in voodoooo
okay da ....i am still in selection.....have to start the chapter and am feeling sleepy...all pondy sleep deprivation has come rushing back...so
ta ta...
till my next few posts

WOW....

2005-07-12T18:50:00.000-07:00

Wow…this past week has been just that ….wow. theater, dance, home, sis, I have no idea how I handled all of it or rather how I got away after bunking them.
But theater was a priority. The show was this week and it was great. Maybe the show was not as great as the last time but then the experiences that came along with it was from quite another level. I have never bonded with so many people and suddenly I am starting to dread leaving college just coz of these people …man …wow….i realized that its just about enjoying the moment and absolutely nothing else.
So here are the few of the outrageous things I did this week.

· Left home for dance before sunrise and came home after play …after sunset (6am to 11pm) for a week. Technically my family did not see me in daylight!!!!!
· Had masala puri and pani puri at 10:30pm on the Austin town roadside with drunk men around me…. Thanks honey!!!
* juggled dance and acting like a pro.....cost me my health but.... whatever...no pian no gain ...right?
· Saw the biggest verbal fight just before show between my twin and altar boy….he he he he that was fun.
· Had the worst makeup on… in my life….looked like shit and even managed to scare myself…..
· had Sweet Chariot Chocolate Cake…twice in a row….yummmmmmmmmmmmmm….
· Went ripping on the Pulsar… and almost banged into a bus……… twice…!!!
· Sat and discussed French and English porn magazines with all my girls while the boys (as usual) avoided being there.
· Ate for 5,200!!!!!!!!!!Need I say more????
· (Hopefully) impressed “HIM”:)…..YES…. he came for the show…and in my bid to impress him..i lost my voice and still haven’t got it back…things u do in love..!!!
· Reached home at 1 in the morning….man was my dad pissed…
· Almost got my education stopped for the above-mentioned reason…thrice!!!! What fun.
· Actually preferred hot clear soup to ice cream…..I KNOW!!!!!!
· Wore red bindis and kajal with pants and went on the streets.!!!! I told the list was of the outrageous things I did.

· Threw all inhibitions to where ever they wanted to go and behaved exactly as I wanted too and gave a flying **** to what people thought…not very unlike me but still…
· Reached the venue at 6:15 for a 7 o clock show….he he he
· Waited alone for more than 30 mins on domlur roadside alone and again alone for 65 mins in college...did i mention alone....!!no book, no distractions...just me and my surroundings...aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ....alone
· Had loads and loads and loads of fun and thousands of memories to last me for a loooooong time.
July 4-july10

hectic hectic

2005-07-12T18:43:00.000-07:00

Friday July 1-My schedule has been more than hectic. I have been dancing and acting, sometimes more than I can handle. I leave my house before daylight hits town and only come back home after the sun has set. If this was not enough, I scream and yell at my mum who gets up two hours earlier so that I can have breakfast before I go and have lunch ready for me, shout at my dad who eventually drops me half the way and have no time for friends and then expect them to understand. In a short word, I have been SELFISH. Its strange how u take things for granted. Yesterday was extremely hectic. I left home at 6.30 am and came back only at 9.15 pm.!!!! Take that for more than 12 hours education!!! Everybody had problems staying over and tempers flared. Already I was so stressed about making it two schedules at the same time 2morrow and I had all these people screaming their head off. Finally practice got over only at 9 and I was very sure that my dad was going to stop my education and put me under house arrest …forever. But when I got home with k.mala, my dad did not shout. Neither did my mum, which scared me more. I thought it was coz mala and her mum had just left and they (my parents) did not want to create a scene as I as I had a megaphone voice and everybody outside would hear me scream. But as I wandered around the uneasy silence (it extremely difficult to act normal when u know that u are going to get grounded ..but everybody is acting normal)…my mum asked me what I would like for breakfast for the next morning before I left at 6.30.am!!!!!! that was my reason. I felt so ashamed to think that my parents would not understand me. They have taken all the carp that I have had to offer them over the past two years and yesterday was my wake up call. No matter what.... how many friends you have, how much money you have or even how nice-looking you are, ur the luckiest if u have a supportive family to fall back on in times of stress. I always thought that when I got famous one day and somebody took my interview, I would love to say that I had a difficult childhood and had to struggle like everybody else…who was I kidding. Happiness is not getting everything you want but understanding that you have everything ..what….many would give their lives to have.
We are those kind of kids who would love to complain about our parents for everything because it is so easy to do so….but sometimes I just wonder if anybody else would do everything for us like our parents do. I love to tell my dad that its his duty to take care of his kids and family but I forget how easy it is to not do your duty 100%.
Its funny how things just fall into place. A week before no ray of hope and now of so many possibilities. I guess everything has its own time and way of getting to its deserved place. I believe that life is teaching us something every single second. Be it in the way ur dance practice does not proceed anywhere for more than a week, your theatre turns to more tension and hard work than fun or all ur friends are chessed of with you coz u have no time for them….everything has a reason and if you listen carefully and look closely u’ll find it right in front of you. Maybe the reason why I wrote this article and why ur reading this has some great magical reason…just wait and watch.
This article may not make any sense but then again …………..when have the right things ever made sense???;)It’s strange how things fall into place…..but if you think logically the sun always shines at the end of every night.

the day i could not stop laughing

2005-06-17T09:16:00.000-07:00

That’s exactly what I am doing now. Giggling away to glory. Infact 3 days into college and I finally feel settled. Hopefully sorted out most differences and found my foothold (I think). But today was too funny. I could not stop smiling…again… (for those confused, please refer to article under the title “Being in love”.) my mum caught me smiling to me twice and was she CONFUSED……….. that made me laugh even more…… had to convince her that I was laughing at her soap on t.v that was ironically going through its most serious phase….now u know why the CONFUSED is in block letters ………..anyway……I am just being mad. Also we cracked the stupidest jokes and actually held our tummies and me and mommy laughed till it hurt (eg: two sardars were sitting in a tub and felling happy…after sometime happy got disgusted and left!!!!) that kept us going for about at least 10 mins.!!!! More examples later.
Me and k.mala got talking. Are forming a D.C team (I think….. again). Told the reason why I was avoiding the topic… hopefully things will work out….Went to corner house and had rocky road…. Went home and spent nearly 30 minutes outside me home with k.mala plotting the biggest sting operation since Watergate scandal…..we wish. Anyway the idea was so awesome yet so stupid….he he he he.
The plotting happened on the spot and we already got a preview….you should have been there…he he he he he he he he he he…the reaction is exactly what we wanted and actually more than what we expected….right mala? We spent the rest of the time giggling away to glory like to small kids…oh what fun….i have a secret… yahoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…
Its just like olden days …once upon a time when playing pranks was considered cool by the rest…except now we are old enough to not give a flying **** to what people think . right now as I write this ………the plan is under way and hopefully working.
my only advice to you k. mala is Play Safe……
mmmmmmmmmmmm….. funny… just yesterday I got home all pisssed. Was reading ‘Monk who sold his Ferrari’ and the page I opened to gave me my lesson for the day. There always is something positive in everything u think is negative. I am not saying that we have to forget all our real worries but you can decide to weigh down because of it or grow stronger from it while still enjoying the small nothings in life.
sometimes life is so easy…..
U can have all the happiness in the world …all u have to do is choose to be so and recognize it hidden in everything . YOU make ur own Happiness.
Who knows…. Sometimes even paper rockets can make you smile ……even at this age…right Bridget?
P.S the sign **** does NOT indicate ‘hell’….this is NOT a college newsletter.
Hope.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm............

2005-06-14T19:18:00.000-07:00

i will go down with this ship
and i wont put my hands up and surrender
there will be no white flag above my door
i'm in love and always will be.........

yesterday.........

2005-06-10T09:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I and met my old friend after a gap of 5 years….it was quite a reunion. It was her b’day yesterday and she was not expecting me. I just dropped in casually and it was great. She was my old neighbor. So I went to my old home (which has changed completely) and went into reminiscing. We had a fresh cream coffee cake from sweet chariot….yummmmmmmmmmm.and we went to the church and then to pizza hut. It was so great talking to her and yet so strange. We would ramble on and on and suddenly both would be silent not knowing how to start the next story. Five years is along time and this was the first time we were talking at a stretch. It was awesome. We went to a shop where we would always go together and if one was missing then the shopkeeper would ask where the other Siamese twin was??? imagine his shock after five years meeting the same old girls except that we were not giggly, chatter box type girls any more but sensible young women….who am I trying to kid. We were the same and it was great!!!!!!!!
Thought I’d meet my old enemies (neighbours)…no matter how old u grow there are certain things u still get pleasure out off. I had lost kilos and was looking pretty nicer than regular and wanted to gloat. They would have just stared and passed seedy comments but I would have gone up to them and shut them up by saying: “i’m in Christ college and you???” he he he he he he he he he he he……I know I’m being mean but u don’t know them so u cant judge me…..
It was so much fun talking to someone almost outside my life. Outside the stupid topics that usually revolve me. Just being the stupid, immature, irritating and talkative me. Nice to have you back papu.

home alone............

2005-06-10T09:27:00.000-07:00

Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaahhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
My scream might not match the charm and skill that Maculky Culkin did in the movie with the same title, but its from my heart, trust me. Mum and dad decided to go out of station to visit a relative who wasn’t feeling too well. Initially it was a plan made for just two of them but on sensing my (hidden yet uncontrollable ) glee my mother got all suspicious and tried to persuade my dad to take me and my sis along. That’s when I lost it. I cant take anyone spoiling my preplanning, even if it lasted only for 15 seconds, so I kicked up a big fuss saying that trust has to be a mutual effort and a whole load crap. Being a typical Sagittarian, I get very feisty when people question me on my ethics…so I rambled on and on till my dad gave up and thought it would be quite a relief to get away from me!!!he he he he.
So here I was thinking that in a few days my parents would be gone and I would have the house to myself. Of course my sis would be there but then I could always lock her in the bathroom…just kidding ya…… So while I was enjoying all the dreaming, my mumsy dear was busy coaching us how to manage the house , I turned a deaf ear, I mean how hard can it be…… (only if I knew) we got instructions left to 12 year olds …stuff like to put off the gas when not in use, not to play with fire (she might have thought I am in some kinda cult!!!Who plays with fire???), to lock the door and not open it for strangers ( I have no idea what my mum thought I was suffering from!!!) but then came the serious stuff …how to cook food (properly), to get up early and open the gate to the house to let the maid in and the milk man, pile of clothes that have to be washed everyday, to check if the maid is sweeping every nook and corner, vessels that have to be washed…and suddenly this fun trip alone was not sounding like too much of fun.
So they left last Saturday and were to be back on tuesday… and then began the home alone in process.
It was a dream in the beginning. My parents had left in the evening and the dinner was ready…so all chech and me did was sit at home absorbing the silence of the T.V not blaring from 7 to 8:30 (my mum has her regional soaps that drive us both nuts). Today there was no sound. Both had dinner and washed the plates, set the alarm for 5:30 next morning and went to sleep.
SO BEGAN THE NIGHTMARE with the alarm going off …..I was the smart one and went right back to sleep coz I know that chech would feel very guilty coz she was the oldest and she had to do the majority of the work and take care of me and stuff….. So I did not bother too much. Got up at 8, watched ‘whose line is it anyway’ and then went and prepared breakfast. Chech assigned the washing vessels responsibility to me and I loved it. My mum never lets me wash the vessels coz I take almost the entire bar to wash one vessel. I was like a small kid left to play with the soap and took all the dirty vessels and pretended to be the vim bar dude who would make the dirty ones sparkling clean..what fun!!!!! The rest of the day, chech and me made lunch, she washed the clothes and everything was peacefull except at night, when I was expected to wash all the vessels….again…..ummmmmmm….this time somehow even the vim bar did not excite me …it feels different to wash vessels when all u want to do is sleep. I had to clean the house too as I had invited my friends home the next day. By the time I was done with the vessels, I was too tired to do anything for tomorrow.
When the alarm sounded the next day nobody woke up!!!! The milk man and the maid had to bang the gate to wake us up! he he he. It was too late so I just and went and bought breakfast. We watched t.v and suddenly again it was too late. I had an entire home to clean and less than 30 mins! I worked hard. Cleaned the entire house, tried to get them snacks…and off course washed the plates…. (that was getting on my nerves). Finally when they came, I gave them some kinda welcome into my CLEAN (for once) room and by the time we chitchatted, it was time for lunch. We thought we would prepare a fancy lunch since there were no adults. We got fancy recipes books and decided on a very delicious sounding dish ….we left that immediately when we realized none of us could recognize most of the ingredients!!!!! So after a lot of deliberation we decided on veg.briyani.and carrot halwa for dessert…….mmmm sounded mouth watering except there were no visible ingredients at home. So went and bought everything….. from vegetables to masalas and later I realized I had this and that and found everything in my house…so we went and returned all the stuff we bought…. he he he can swear that was not a very nice experience.
Then started the cooking. From fighting over who will the chop the onions (finally me!) to how much water should be put in the cooker, to how much time and what ingredient was called what, we realized that we were all homemakers in the making but not quite ready. So there, my kitchen was teeming with 7 girls, all of who thought they knew the right way to cook. And in all the mess the carrot halwa (my specialty) was getting burnt!!! If that was not enough everybody thought I was the vessel washer or something they kept dumping me with new and used vessels…..aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Finally alls well that ends well. The lunch was great and the halwa was greater, so what if we ate only at 3:30 in the afternoon. It was a team effort and we loved it. All the hard work paid off. Everybody enjoyed themselves and for me it was a great day except that the sink was filled beyond capacity with vessels which took me an hour and a half to wash……..man by the time I was done I had enough of washing plates to last me a life time….my poor hands.
Mum and dad were due tomorrow and in these two days I realized how difficult it is to manage a home. I had planned so much with my friends but finally nothing worked out in the way we planned. Me and chech could not do any job completely without exclaiming how hard it was and my mum does it all by herself…WOW…hats off to you mumsy…. But I never had so much fun….suddenly I released I love to cook and (much to nobody’s surprise) hated to wash vessels. So the home alone sessions taught me a lot about home management and now I can make my mummy proud ….and can even cook a lunch completely ...all by myself. I am all prepared for the role of a housewife now…except we SHOULD have a dishwahser…any takers?;)

U RYHME WHEN U ARE IN LOVE...

2005-06-03T12:12:00.000-07:00

the above is kutty's immediate reaction to a ryhme n rap attempt of a message that i sent her. for your entertainment i have presented my "being in love" talent below....

My poor baby is in pain
So nobody had any gain
Feel like pulling the chain
Of a running train
To stop the rain
That is overflowing the drain
The message is in vain
Coz it’s absolutely insane
Just like mark twain!
-------------------------
Please don’t think too much of mr.kutty
Give your heart some rest
It’s for the best
For the future nest!!!
Howz that for rhyme n rap??!!!
YOU RYHME (LIKE THIS?????) WHEN YOU ARE IN LOVE….. if u say so babe...if u say so.

now or never....

2005-06-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon
And there was me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone
We'd get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels
As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come WhateverWe will still beFriends Forever
So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels
La, la, la, la:
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la:
We will still be friends forever
Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
----Vitamin C, Graduation (Friends Forever)

today is the first day of june, 2005. Final year in college. Final year of studies for many. Final goodbyes forever. As much as we can wish, life will never be the same again. We are all going to move on ….on the road that life present us with whether we like or not. It’s hard but it’s the truth.
The count down has begun. Nine more months and we won’t be coming back to classrooms, teachers we hate and subjects we hate even more.
The crossroads of life that everybody has been warning us about ever since class ten has finally arrived and I don’t know how to react. One thing I know for sure….k.mala would already be choking, unable to stop the extremely sad feeling coming from that corner of the heart that we have all been trying to avoid discussing (and she would also be cursing me for brining up this topic).
When I reached the tenth standard, I went on a nostalgic spree from the very beginning , quite like now. I bugged my friends to death about how this was the last first day of school ever, last sports day last lunch at school, last break time, last time we sang the school song and (happily) the last math class ever, for me at least. We all decided that on the last day when the whole school stands for a guard of honour and applauds the leaving batch of tenth and twelfth students, we would cry. When the time came, I could not cry. No coz I was not sad but I knew that I had enough memories after 12 years in school that would last me a lifetime and somewhere in my heart, the awareness that college was an extension of school life.
When I reached second P.U, I was sad but most of my new friends were continuing with me so no tears were spilled (other than k.mala, she cries at the drop a hat for such kind of things!! Like she is going to do now!!!).
Now it’s final year of college. I still remember the first day I came to college. I wore an orange salwar, scared, confused and still excited. The youngest branch of college. Today I’m the senior most and I cant say how different I feel. Seems just like yesterday I made all these friends who are still with me. But this year as we walk down the graduation aisle, there’s no coming back. Ever.
But today, as this song played in the background, I did not feel sad. I’m glad I did whatever I did in college. Guess the saying is true that you grow up with time. I’m going to miss all my friends but leaving school and coming to college has taught me that life takes you on unexpected paths but (hopefully) to the final goal you always wanted.
They say that college is the best part of your life, for me so far it has been (touchwood). I’ve met wonderful people, made great friends, had extremely “weird” teachers and even weirder class mates (yes bhatt!!! We do!), danced, acted( wow…that was unexpected!!!But… wow…), gossiped, backstabbed, got backstabbed!! (Ouch), learnt a loooot that does not come through books, organised various stuff and found responsibilities and earned respect, created an identity, had loads of crushes and got my heart broken, bunked classes and got caught, almost got suspended from college ( he he he that was fun, we should do that more often k.mala,kutty,halli!!!) been a part of the coolest team, gone to both pondy and pune (yeah baby) got caught by teachers and cried, ….I have done almost everything in college, except maybe have a boyfriend…well who knows, I still have nine months, don’t I? ;)
So who ever relates to this, it does not matter, if you love or hate college. It’s getting over in nine months and never coming back. So live it up. If there’s something you have to say, say it, something to do, do it. it's now or never. Remember it’s not the time that is important but “the moment, the moment”. Right faustus??!!:)

being in love

2005-05-30T08:59:00.000-07:00

“…And I hope you are the one I share my life with,
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray that you’re the one I build my home with…
I hope I love you all my life….”
__Daniel Bedingfield, If your not the one.

Everybody says its great to be in love. Many describe it as an out of body experience that does not compare to anything in this world and many says it gives a reason to live.
What a whole load of crap!!!!!!!…. now don’t take me wrong but isn’t that a bit exaggerated? Personally I have never been in love, not that I know of anyway. My whole life I have searched for this feeling that brings unconditional happiness in one’s life. I have seen many of my friends be in this “love” kinda feeling. Actually theirs is the puppy kind of love that usually exists in college life. They do seem happy but all I get out of them is a desperation that makes them seem almost helpless. They go red, mumble stupid stuff, I mean really stupid stuff, you can’t get them to stop talking about him or in their terms “the special one without whom their life is meaningless” (Whatever!!!!) and there’s one more thing, they cant seem to stop smiling the whole time!!!Sheesh……..kabab!!!!! ….I know (Inside joke).
Ever since, I have been very skeptical of love or whatever that is. I am a very practical person and rarely let my heart rule over my head. I don’t believe too much in relationships coz I cant imagine, well…liking a guy for a really long time to call it a respectable relationship. I mean everybody has crushes, even there u are so sure that the feeling is going to last forever, it somehow always seems to go away and there’s nothing u can do to feel for that person anymore. Thanks to all this I have gotten the almost cold hearted –winter queen attitude among my friends coz I just don’t feel that much….that they know of.
So,…….. the real reason why I am writing this article. He he he … (sheepish laugh) well……. Today I met the cutest guy around..(need I say more??). I have had crush on him for quite some time though he has absolutely no idea(thank god). I happen to think he is very cute ( just reaffirming established fact) but I never told anyone coz I didn’t think its that big a deal. I just let such feelings pass and don’t pay too much attention to this.
Soooooo…. I met him again today… He’s an acquaintance and as soon as I saw him…my face went red (which is a big thing for me coz I rarely go …well……..red.)Then I started mumbling the stupidest things in the world….I mean u spend ur whole life learning complicated words and watch the daily news and movies so u are aware of all the current events especially when ur doing a course in journalism and …..BAAMM…….. when u need it the most, the smart part of u gets automatically shut!!!!…nothing…and I mean nothing smart comes to ur mind other than ….
“so what are u upto”??????!!!!!!!!aaahhhhhhhhhhh……stupid female harmones that affect the proper functioning of the brain…… and then I went on to declare my ‘intelligence’ by more stupid things that I would not even dare to write down. But I soon recovered and made him laugh at my stupid jokes(thank god he’s not tthhaaaaaaaaaaattt smart……. not in a bad way). Well he left and I did a kind of victory dance…..apparently I did not get the difference between making a good, smart and funny impression from a stupid, overacting and desperate one!!!!!!.
But what struck me was that even now nearly six hours after meeting him, I cant stop smiling. ….I tired and I just cant stop.… I smiled all the way to my friend’s place, drove her insane by non stop talk about him and turned red whenever I thought about him…..I smiled like an idiot all the way back and am sure people thought I am slightly off my rockers…that’s ok…they don’t know how it is to be in love…right?!
Guess I’m normal after all!!!!!;)

just letting go.....

2005-05-27T09:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I spent the entire day with kutty and rara. We had great fun. Rara couldn’t stay for long so me and kutty hung out. First we started out with making stuff for rara’s sister’s wedding. We had to make some extremely creative stuff and I did not fare too badly (except that rara had to go home and literally rip open my work and re-do them!!) kutty was the smart one and accepted that she was creatively challenged and chose to first read the day’s paper from cover to cover (literally) first in English and then in Malayalam and then kicked back with battery’s ICSE marks and school photographs!!!!! She could not be distracted even if the epicenter hit home!!!. After three hours of no power, no water and no food(seriously), we eventually had some kinda lunch quite contrary to what my mommy had in mind. I, then stared belting out some songs by Shania Twain in ode to the dark weather outside. I sing pretty well (quite contrary to what many people think and say) and rara got all emotional. Kutty again took the smart way out and immediately fell asleep(not very surprised) and me and rara got talking about stuff. Soon we got bored and woke up kutty. Then rara left, and as usual me and kutty, the foodies, left for corner house ,a regular customer and had a big Death By Chocolate (with rum n rasins ice cream and chocolate ice cream with chocolate chip cookies)!!!YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM…
Nothing matched it. We finished it in the record time of under five minutes… so we were quite jobless and kutty felt like having brown bomb!! Now we did not know what brown bomb was so kutty acted like a small kid and kicked up a big fuss about having it. I thought that it was a little too much of chocolate and neither of us had any necessity to put on any more weight. But trust kutty not to understand. Like a sly fox or should I say vixen, she waited till I went into the loo and then immediately ran to the dude and ordered a Brown bomb which turned out to be a specially made brownie, heated up with ur flavour ice cream and sauce!!!!! Mmmmmm…Heaven… but still second to Death By Chocolate!!!!! Finally I and kutty got started about love lives and guess who she thought I was in love with??? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
I couldn’t stop laughing….and now don’t send me comments asking me who it is coz I’m not telling. Then we went to the church and I prayed real hard. We both walked to the church and spoke bout everything under the sun, it was just like how we used to hang out during theater after a long time. We used to have a long practice and then always went out for dinner no matter how late.
We spent an hour just sitting in the church and talking about what we were going to do in our future and off course battery!!!!!! After that we headed towards Koramangala as it was getting really late. We thought we would just have a drink somewhere and ended up in transit and had dinner not caring how late we were……deja` vu!!!
Sometimes its very important to just let go and let life take you on its course. Who knows like the Brown Bomb, it just might be worth it!!!

Boyfriends!!!!!!!!

2005-05-22T01:32:00.000-07:00

I have more than a hundred boyfriends. For all those shocked, I mean friends who just happened to be boys!!! The term BOYFRIEND has been so overrated that it saddens me to see that today a boy and girl cant just be friends without everybody pointing fingers.
I am honestly asking you, cant a boy and girl be just friends? There are millions of theories that say that the boy and girl will be attracted to each other at some point of time. Technically one can agree to this. For friendship to happen there has to be some kind of mental stimulation and only people who share chemistry can be good friends. The greater the chemistry, the greater the friends. You have to necessarily like a person, to be his or her friend. There has to be some “attraction”, whether in the same sex or different sex friendship. Now to rate this attraction as sexual in nature is where the statistics go wrong.
When I entered college at the age of 16, it was my first experience even talking normally to boys. I had studied in an all girls’ school for my entire life and did not even have a brother or neighbors who were boys. So here I was in a co-ed college and no prior experience to boys. First I was very shy, soon I realized that boys were the same and I had no idea why having being close to boy friends was so over the top. But the first time a boy called my place, I had to convince my parents that he was just a friend and had to restore to the age old Indian syndrome “he is my rakhi brother” !!! At that point I did not know what to believe. I believed in something but I guess as usual the society believed in something else.
Later in life in met a very good friend who happened to be a boy. Ika and me shared a spontaneous chemistry and have been great friends ever since. Even though I met him only two years ago, people mistake us for childhood friends. I am more comfortable with him than many of my girlfriends. I can talk to him about anything under the sun and not feel “sexually different”. Can I help it? Now you may say, I have many childhood friends like that. Presiclsely, when I meet him I was not a child and I knew what could happen between us or rather he knew. On the second day of our friendship I remarked how he reminded me of a younger brother I never had. He immediately took my hand and told me “ We are friends now, but if tomorrow we happen to like each other, then we may go around and even end up married, otherwise we may just stay good friends. Nobody can predict the future and I would rather not have you cut of the possibility of our romantic life by calling me your brother”!!! I was so shocked by what he said and suddenly it hit me how true it was. His honesty made me believe that a boy and girl can remain just friends. I am sure ujju will agree with me.
Nowadays if you are single and with a boy and hang out with him then it is assumed that you must be in love with him. Even parents (especially girls) have a problem with their kids having a very close: call up all the time, hang out all the time and have lunch or watch movie alone with: friend of the opposite sex. Why can’t I enjoy the company of a boy and be closer to him than you are because I get along better with him and like hanging out with him and not because I am romantically interested in him???? (This one is for kutty)
Now don’t mistake me. I am not saying that all boys and girls cant have anything between them but it’s just that the society has created this stupid sex difference that has almost made it compulsory that you must feel for every boy you are friends with because..Well millions of statistics say that a boy and girl cant be friends …then they must be true, Right ???WRONG… trust me.
Throw the stats to where they belong, the dump (subliminal msg to need of stats in psycho pracs too!). They don’t get it that sometimes having a friend of the opposite sex is quite a relief and a welcome change. As the generation is changing and parents are becoming more accommodating, it’s these stupid friends who put ideas into your head that will not only make the friendship uncomfortable but also eventually ruin it. Everyone might say that “I totally believe a boy and a girl can be just friends”, but they are just waiting for some one to start commenting how “a boy and girl friend don’t do things like that ya..”. So heed my advice before its too late. Be friends with whomever you want. If people start questioning why you are so close to a friend of the opposite sex….well then put them next to the stupid stats.
Have a blast and if something happens between the two of you…congratulations…sometimes. …friends are better lovers:)

A Toast

2005-05-21T02:19:00.000-07:00

When I came back from my pondy trip, I thought I had done it all only to be welcomed into theater. The millions of memories will always stay with me and I will never forget the friends I made there. I initially intended to propose a toast during the casa picola dinner but was not able to ..so here goes. This for all you guys of SnL

For all the seven o clock blues
For all the work outs (ahem) and voice warm ups!
For the times when the boys got slapped
For the times Faustus forgot his lines
For the time Clemu thought she was wearing nothing
Underneath her cloak!!!
For the times Mephisto was scandalised
For all the Malayalam learned by the cast
For the times when everyone lost their voice
For the times when josh’s pants came downJ
For the times when ram felt like walking out
For all the ego clashes and bad sweat (eeyuck..)
For all the dance/work hassles and B.P attacks
For all the chocolates, for all the lunches
For all the rejections during sponsorship
For all the tears
For all the laughter
For all the sacrifices,
For all the success
For everything…including Tasmina!
Here’s to the best team in the world. November 04---January 05.

Ciao

why men only??????

2005-05-20T12:56:00.000-07:00

So I watched the movie Hitch the other day and it was quite an experience. I connected to the movie with the very first dialogue of Will Smith when he says “ No woman wakes up everyday and says..God, I hope I’m not swept off my feet today” .!! The truth hit me and made me realise that woman even today expect the man to do everything. From the initial ‘asking them out’ to paying for the dates to proposing them for marriage… it’s a preconceived notion dating back to god –alone- knows- which- century ,that according to me totally overrated.
Infact I have many friends today who think that women cant ask men out! I don’t see their point… aren’t guys as nervous as girls to profess love or infatuation or whatever it is that they feel towards a special girl and wont it affect their bank balance if they spent all their savings on the girl.
I do understand and think that it is completely romantic for a guy to ask a girl out and insist on paying for the dates but then that is only chivalry that cant go on for ever. Going Dutch is in style. When women fought for equal rights in all fields I am hoping she even thought of coughing up for the dates.
I have a friend k.mala whose boyfriend insisted on sharing the bills for many of their outings and even asked her to pay for the fuel to drop her home. Maybe the fuel went a bit too far but at the end of the day it’s about getting treated equally in a relationship.
Now, now don’t get all judgmental. I am not a feminist writing this article to say that women have to do everything that men do. I totally believe the opening lines of Hitch. I too wake up every morning waiting for my prince in shining Armour to show up and whisk me away on his white horse. I’m not trying to tell you that fairy tales don’t come true becoz I truly believe that they do, when you believe in them. All I’m trying to state here is why wait for a man to start the fairytale when you could do it yourself. Go on, ask him out. My friend did this. The guy unfortunately wasn’t available but at least she did her part and I applaud that. What’s wrong in telling how you feel whether you are a boy or a girl? If u don’t want to, then its fine. But u shouldn’t wait for him to take all the steps while you stand stationery. Maybe it’s more common in the western society but here women almost consider it taboo. Many of my friends are genuinely interested in guys that have lasted more than a year and it’s sad to see them wait for something to happen from their side. At least if you go and tell hem how you feel, you are doing something about it. It may not be the smartest of plans becoz he just might reject you but then at least you can move on. At least you can sleep without any regrets and ten years down the line; you can live happily with whom ever you are with rather than waste ur time imagining what your life would have been like if u had told “him” and if he had agreed.
I guess that’s life biggest mystery, for two people to never know that they always loved each other.
ciao

reality... bites!!!!

2005-05-20T11:47:00.000-07:00

To-day, is gonna be the day
that their gonna throw it back to you
by -now you should have
somehow realized what you got to do
I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I do
about you now….
…. And all the roads we have to walk are winding
and all the lights that lead us there, are blinding
there are many things that I would like to say to you
but I don’t know how….

_ Oasis, Wonder Wall

So how difficult is it really to be honest???? To say exactly what you feel like saying? Just today I was complaining to kutty about something and she directly shut me up by telling me that u need balls to be honest and say what is on your mind to the who ever… eventually you will be the only one who is talking and every one is going to throw that back to you.
. That got me thinking, do we really need courage not to lie?, I thought that it was usually the other way around. Why can’t I tell that I don’t like a person because …well…because for whatever reason I have (or don’t have). Why should I lie to a friend about someone because the concerned person and this friend are on very good terms…hmmmm…Needless to say this will lead me to maybe loose a friend but isn’t that better than just living a lie.
Well looks like I took up a complicated topic for my first article but it has always fascinated me that I proclaim to hate hypocrisy and sometimes find myself the biggest of the lot around. Hypocrisy is something every one indulges in. Claiming to have no problem to people being gay when you go about gleefully spreading rumors about a classmate being a lesbian in a derogatory manner to put her down doesn’t speak very highly of a person. Why cant you just go tell her that you don’t like “being greeted” that way? What’s stopping you? I can’t think of even one person who doesn’t practice hypocrisy except for one good friend. She talks her mind and avoids people she dislikes for various reasons. I don’t have to say she does not have too many friends but at the end of the day she has the complete respect of the few true ones left. I tried doing that once with a colleague (if I may say so) and he has hated me and my bluntness from that day on but I know he respects what I say more than the others coz I don’t suck up.
I guess it’s the basic principle of life… as you grow older; you lie more so that you can lead a life avoiding confrontation and also the possibility of the knowing what would have happened if you had said that and how different your life would be now because of that. Then after sometime, you will realize that your whole life has been a farce and try to be honest and suddenly have people accusing you of not being considerate to other people’s feelings. Everyone speaks highly of honesty and lowly of the people who actually dare to follow its path.
But to preach is not as easy to practice and I just hope that I can say my mind whenever I want and live to see the next day. Coz at the end of the day honesty doesn’t seem to pay too much in reality in comparison to sucking up …or does it?
I the words of Joe Fox (Tom Hanks in You’ve Got Mail) “..But then I must warn you that when you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you’ve been meaning to say; the moment you say it.., remorse inevitability follows”. Maybe some places and sometimes you just have to shut up. Like now
ciao